If you don’t think you have anxiety, this episode is probably for you.
A lot of us hear “anxiety” and picture someone who worries all day and imagines every disaster. That is not how it usually shows up in marriage. In close relationships, anxiety often looks like defensiveness, shutting down, fixing, blaming, or making your partner the problem.
In this episode, we reframe anxiety as a response to a real or imagined threat. That threat system is useful. It is supposed to help you stay alive. The trouble is that humans don’t just react to actual danger. We can invent it. We can turn disagreement, feedback, or feeling misunderstood into a bear.
Drawing on ideas from Dr. Kathleen Smith’s book Everything Isn’t Terrible, we talk about:
- Why reactivity is an anxiety response
- How we make our partner the threat
- Why focusing on the other person usually increases anxiety
- How curiosity helps you override autopilot
- What it means to respond instead of react
You are never going to become a robot who never gets triggered. That is not the goal. The goal is to slow down long enough to ask, “What’s the real story here?” Not every alarm is a fire. Sometimes it is just feedback.
This week’s practice
Observe:
- When does my anxiety perceive danger where there is none?
- When do I focus on or blame my partner, and how does that increase my anxiety?
Then get more curious:
- How does focusing on the other person conflict with who I want to be?
- How does responding to imagined danger affect my relationship?
- Where can I practice focusing on my side of the street this week?
Mentioned
Kathleen Smith, Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down
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If you try this and something shifts, even a little, we’d love to hear about it. Reply to this episode or send a note throughmasteryourmarriage.us.
If you and your partner want help practicing conversations like this, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call atmasteryourmarriage.us.
