But He Should Already Know: Failing the Test You Didn't Know You Were Taking

Do you wait for your spouse to figure out what you need, and then feel hurt when they don't? Or do you tell yourself it's not worth asking anyway?

We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves.

This week we start a new thread we're calling Loving Power: how to be strong and loving at the same time. Last week was about hearing a complaint without getting defensive. This one is the other side. Why is it so hard to just ask for what you want?

We both tell on ourselves. Sharla gave Robert a secret test for two days after a 15-hour travel day home from the Caribbean. Robert spent almost a week feeling rejected and went out to the shop instead of saying "I miss you." We walk through the beliefs underneath that kept us quiet, and a simple tool for talking back to them.

In this episode:

• Why being "low maintenance" can slowly drain the passion out of a marriage
• What BYU research says disconnection does to your body (it's a lot)
• Belief #1: "It's selfish to ask," and why asking is actually taking care of your marriage
• Belief #2: "I shouldn't have to tell him," and the 48-hour secret test Sharla gave Robert
• Belief #3: "I don't want to rock the boat," and why keeping the peace isn't as safe as it feels
• The bonus one for the guys: Superman, and Robert's own "nobody cares" story
• Why a busy week can feel like rejection, and which part of you is really talking
• A four-step tool: notice it, name it, answer it, ask

A place to start this week: Catch yourself giving one secret test. That moment when you're waiting for your spouse to figure it out, or telling yourself "never mind, it's not worth it." Notice it, name it, talk back to it, and ask anyway.

Want help bringing this into your own marriage? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us

Related episodes: Ep 180: Relational Maturity: How to Hear a Complaint Without Getting Defensive https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive

Ep 155: The Hidden Cost of Keeping the Peace in Marriage https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/the-hidden-cost-of-keeping-the-peace-in-marriage

Resources mentioned:

• Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com
• Julianne Holt-Lunstad's research on social connection (BYU): https://news.byu.edu/byu-expert-on-social-isolation-tapped-to-lead-u-s-surgeon-general-advisory-advise-world-health-organization
• U.S. Surgeon General's advisory on loneliness and isolation (2023): https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf
• Carol Gilligan, In a Different Voice

Find us: https://masteryourmarriage.us Instagram @masteryourmarriage masteryourmarriage@gmail.com