Does talking about one person to another make you a bad friend?
For quite some time, I’ve been considering the role of gossip in friendship. I’ve reflected on my own patterns and beliefs, and I’ve thought hard about where I’ve pushed the boundaries.
My goal in this episode is to get to the root of gossip and the role it plays in relationships. I dive into some research about the history of gossip and include some guidelines I use in my personal life.
I don't think you need to feel guilty every time you talk about someone; guilt just makes us second-guess very normal, necessary human conversations. But I do think we can get a little more intentional about how we use gossip so that it serves rather than harms our connections.
In this episode you’ll hear about:
- The history of the word “gossip” – what it used to mean, who it referred to, and when it became associated with women’s social circles
- The rebranding of gossip as derogatory, and modern social scientists’ more neutral definition of gossip
- Different ways gossip can be useful, including processing confusing or painful situations and reality checking
- My own personal questions and guidelines for deciding whether it’s OK to talk about a friend to another friend, including the outcome test and the audience test
Resources & Links
Listen to Episode 99 about individualism in friendship with James Richardson.
Robin Dunbar’s social grooming research can be found in his book Grooming, Gossip, and the Evolution of Language
You can find more about Norm talk in this article from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Norm talk and human cooperation: Can we talk ourselves into cooperation?
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