This is the fourth and final post in the August theme of flourishing.
Week 1 - I Thought Flourishing Was Only for the Most Successful PeopleWeek 2 - I Find Myself Enjoying the Passage of TimeWeek 3 - We Flourish When Every Moment Matters
I will build my confidence.
Those five words changed my life. They really did.
That was the commitment I made to myself after three abusive relationships over many years had left me crushed. At the time, it felt as if I had no confidence left at all.
What I did have, although I have no idea where it came from, was courage. The courage to get up and decide to change my life for the better. With that, I decided never to let my past decide my future.
Beginning to find myself
I never sat down to think about what that confident life actually looked like. Although I could have sought professional help, I didn’t want to open up to anyone about my horrible life. I didn’t need any more judgement. I already hated myself.
Instead, I started reading self-help books. Lots of them. I kept reading and learning, and reading some more.
Although I had left my marriage feeling I had no confidence, I began to recall times when I had felt good about myself, however fleetingly. I wrote them down. Journaling had become a comfort to me. I saw it as a way to tip my thoughts out of my head and examine them closely.
I started to remember times when I had talked to strangers while taking my dog for a walk. Having a dog let me talk to people without feeling like I needed to be interesting. Little exchanges where no one expected me to prove myself. They were more interested in Ricky, my Labrador, than in me.
I remembered how kind people could be. Friends calling to check I was okay. Work colleagues inviting me to their homes for dinner. My neighbour repairing the window my ex had smashed, without asking what had happened.
I never asked anyone for help. I was too proud and too ashamed to ask for a lift to get my shopping because my ex had smashed my car.
So, I walked.
Sometimes there and back three times in a weekend. As a result, I got fit, which helped me feel better about myself.
People even started to comment on how well I looked, which felt good. So, I started reading books about healthy eating. I had moved from trying to improve my confidence to looking after myself. Self-care became the next step on my journey.
My ex had told me that if I ever cut my hair short, he would leave me. Even though that would have made my day, I never had the courage to anger him by getting it cut.
I made an appointment with a new hairdresser (new start, new hairdresser) and had it cut very short. It felt like a final act of defiance after a marriage in which I’d had so little control.
‘Drastic’, my line manager at work called it. Then smiled and added that I looked amazing. All these little changes started to build my self-esteem.
I started looking in the mirror and seeing myself as a woman with a good job, a home, and friends. I was making new friends. That’s when gratitude became a part of my daily life.
The thread of confidence I had begun to pull on encouraged me to look up and smile at people. Amazingly, people started smiling back.
I was learning to love myself. Another step forward.
Looking back
Now, looking back, I can see that I was beginning to uncover the woman inside. The woman who doesn’t have to prove herself, who looks in the mirror with pride rather than shame.
This is how my life has continued since the day I committed to building my confidence.
The tiny changes I was making were adding up and helping me release my insecurities.
* Smiling at myself in the mirror.
* Smiling at strangers I passed on a walk.
* Having conversations without worrying what people thought of me.
* My morning practice of journaling and meditation.
* Creating a beautiful home for myself.
* Treating myself as someone I loved.
All of these have carried me forward to the person I am now.
I can see now that my confidence was growing as I uncovered the parts of me that my insecurities had hidden. As my courage grew and I allowed myself to be more myself, my confidence also grew in the background.
I began to recognise the woman I had always been, and my choices increasingly aligned with her.
It wasn’t a new identity. I was returning to myself.
I had spent years trying to be someone else and trying to prove myself. Along the way, I had lost touch with who I was and remained in relationships that left me desperately unhappy.
Now I had discovered a way to live as myself, and it felt good.
Now I flourish
This is how I see flourishing. Living a life that truly feels like it is mine. I thought I was building my confidence. In a way, I was, but more than that, I was uncovering the hidden parts of me I had been too afraid to show before. The woman who can simply sit and watch the birds in her garden, or the clouds go by, without berating herself for wasting time.
The woman who walks into rooms with her head high and a smile on her face. Then, as an introvert, when she feels she has had enough, she can leave in the same way. Head high, no guilt, no running away.
The woman who believes in herself and her talents. The woman who knows she can face all challenges and find a way through.
All those years ago, I committed to building my confidence. I found confidence by following my path home to myself.
This is flourishing. This is me.
This year, I have been writing about a different theme related to confidence each month. These themes have taken my readers on a journey I call ‘The Aligned Path’.
My aim is not to teach you how to create a new identity; it is to uncover the identity that has been within you all along, to align with your true self. Confidence and flourishing then have the space to grow quietly in the background.
If you want to remember who you are, join me in whatever way feels right. Follow, subscribe, upgrade, or work with me. Whatever you choose, I am grateful.
Much loveSue xx
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