Two labels get used for very different situations in family court, and mixing them up changes who the judge thinks is to blame. A "high conflict" case is two parents who can't agree on a pediatrician or a summer camp. A family violence case is one parent behaving abusively while the other parent, or the child, reacts to it. Attorney Ashish Joshi says that second parent should never carry blame for the reaction.
Ashish Joshi practices family law and focuses nationally on domestic violence and parental alienation cases. His first book, Litigating Parental Alienation, is one Lisa has recommended for years. His new one, Litigating Family Violence, covers the wider category: coercive control, emotional and financial abuse, immigration used as leverage, international abduction, and the child psychological maltreatment that alienation falls under. He also teaches on these issues at legal and judicial conferences, including for judges in areas with few family law resources.
In this conversation, Ashish and Lisa work through the difference between parental alienation, parent-child contact problems, and alienating behaviors, and why courts sometimes need all three distinctions to get an order right. They talk about what makes a reunification order enforceable: a named therapist, a deadline, and consequences for the parent who is supposed to bring the child to sessions. They cover why letting a rejected teenager decide how often to attend therapy undermines the process, when a judge can find alienation from a parent's own text messages without an expert witness, and what changes once custody has already been reversed but the child is still in constant phone contact with the parent who alienated them.
Ashish also talks about the research on men experiencing coercive control and intimate partner violence, and about vicarious trauma, both for professionals who handle these cases and for the parents living through them.
As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.
🎓 What you'll learn
- Why "high conflict" is the wrong label when one parent is abusive and the other is reacting to it
- The difference between parental alienation, parent-child contact problems, and alienating behaviors
- Why no child is ever "too old" for court intervention, as long as they're under the court's jurisdiction
- How to write a reunification order that can't be stalled: a named therapist, a deadline, and real consequences
- Why letting a child set their own therapy schedule undermines the whole process
- When a judge can find alienation without an expert witness, and when you actually need one
- Why safeguards, not just more parenting time, matter once custody has already changed
- The difference between a child's voice and a child's choice, and why courts should never confuse the two
⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 What "family violence" means, and why Ashish wrote a broader book
7:00 Why "high conflict" is the wrong label for these cases
11:00 Parental alienation vs. parent-child contact problems vs. alienating behaviors
15:00 When to bring resist-refuse dynamics to court
17:00 Severe cases: custody reversal, and why no child is "too old"
19:00 Writing a reunification order that can't be stalled
25:00 Why letting a rejected teenager set the therapy schedule backfires
31:00 When you need an expert witness, and when a judge doesn't
35:00 After the custody flip: the phone, enmeshment, and safeguarding reunification
39:00 The new book, self-care for the fight, and where to find Ashish
Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Ashish Joshi at Joshi: Attorneys + Counselors: https://www.joshiattorneys.com/
🔗 Ashish Joshi on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ashishsjoshi/
🔗 Ashish Joshi's latest book at the American Bar Association: https://www.americanbar.org/products/inv/book/456601936/
About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.
