The ruined birthday. The wrecked anniversary. The gift left in a drawer. It wasn't thoughtlessness.
Dr. Kerry sits down with psychodynamic psychotherapist Lynn Strathdee to break down one of the most painful — and least-named — patterns in narcissistic relationships: the deliberate destruction of special occasions.
Lynn identifies the core drive as pleasure at being the cause — a compulsion rooted in early development that, in character-disordered adults, becomes a form of covert manipulation. Your emotional pain isn't collateral damage. For a narcissist, it's the reward.
Reference: Shawna the Mom: https://www.youtube.com/@ShawnatheMom
In this episode:
- Why narcissists specifically target birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries
- The "pleasure at being the cause" drive — and how it escalates on your best days
- Dry begging: the manipulation tactic hiding in plain sight
- How devaluation becomes a source of narcissistic supply
- Why you kept making excuses — and what this pattern reveals about NPD
Podcast Extra Exclusive Segment
If the sabotage only makes sense in hindsight — can you learn to see it in real time?
Kerry and Lynn unpack the quieter signal most survivors train themselves to override: the "something feels a little off" whisper — and how to turn its volume up without becoming paranoid. Plus: the chat-history article that's been haunting Kerry about an ordinary couple, and what one partner had actually been thinking all along.
Find the exclusive second segment and weekly newsletter here: https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse
LYNN STRATHDEE is a UK-based psychodynamic psychotherapist specializing in echoism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and the unconscious patterns that keep survivors stuck in repeating relationship cycles. A former educator turned therapist, Lynn brings both clinical training and lived experience to her private practice, where she works with clients online and in person. Her approach goes beyond surface-level psychoeducation to the deeper identity work that creates lasting change.
WEBSITE: https://echoismrecovery.com/
Key Moments
00:00 — "That was the point"
00:29 — The birthday he set out to ruin
02:24 — Cozumel, the cheesecake, and every plan sabotaged
03:11 — "A retreat to decide if he still wanted to be married"
03:48 — The pleasure of being the cause
07:03 — Double whammy: the act and the emotion it creates
09:15 — The gratitude trap: why they can't let it go well
14:56 — What gifts reveal (and the lotion re-gift)
17:38 — "Dry begging" and the gifts he never used
20:33 — The bracelet he came home wearing
21:07 — Naming the sadism: "go to the feeling it gave you"
23:00 — The mania of secret knowing: "you don't know, I do"
25:26 — Recognizing it in the moment, not in hindsight
Dr. Kerry's Resources
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Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist & author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism.
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This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis, please call 911 or your local emergency number.
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