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Episode 231: How to Let Go of Control Without Losing Connection: Helpful Therapy Words, part 1
When your adult child is making choices you disagree with, pulling away, or asking for space, it can feel almost impossible not to step in, explain yourself, fix the problem, or try to change their mind.
But what if strengthening your relationship with your adult child requires something different?
In this episode, we begin a three-part series on therapy words that can actually help. We start with two concepts that can make a significant difference in strained parent-adult child relationships: differentiation and acceptance.
Differentiation comes from Bowen Family Systems Theory and means learning how to stay connected to your adult child while also staying grounded in yourself. Acceptance means acknowledging the reality of your relationship as it is right now, even when you desperately wish it were different. Neither one means becoming distant, giving up, approving of everything your child does, or pretending you are not hurt.
Instead, these skills can help you stop reacting from anxiety and begin responding more intentionally.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- How to let go of control without giving up on your relationship with your adult child, especially when they make choices you would not make for them.
- What differentiation means in a parent-adult child relationship and how it helps you stay connected without losing yourself in your child’s emotions, opinions, or disapproval.
- Why accepting your adult child’s need for space or distance does not mean you approve of it or that you are giving up on reconciliation.
- How childhood family patterns can influence the way you respond to conflict with your adult child today, including people pleasing, fixing, withdrawing, arguing, or trying to keep everyone happy.
- Simple ways to stay grounded when your adult child is upset with you, so you can make thoughtful choices instead of reacting from fear, hurt, or anxiety.
If you are trying to repair a strained relationship with your adult child, learning to separate what you can control from what you cannot control is an important place to begin.
You can love your adult child deeply without managing their choices. You can disagree without disconnecting. And you can accept where the relationship is today while still hoping and working toward something better.
This is the foundation for the rest of our Therapy Words That Can Actually Help series. In the next episode, we’ll talk about curiosity, attunement, and emotional safety, followed by repair and accountability in part three.
If this episode helped you see your relationship with your adult child differently, share it with another parent who needs to hear it.
Click Here to download the free guide: 5 Steps to Take Before Trying to Repair the Relationship with Your Adult Child
Tina Gosney is a Family Conflict Coach and parent educator. She works with parents of adult children.
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1. If your emotions are running the show and you need help stopping the spiral so that you can think clearly, calm your body, and respond from a steadier place, consider joining Reset to Connection. To see if this is a good fit for you: CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE
2. If you're ready to dive deeper and want community support along with private coaching, join Bridge to Connection. Set up a Connection Clarity Call with Tina to see if this is a good fit for you: CLICK HERE TO SET UP A CALL
3. To explore your private coaching options, let's talk: CLICK HERE
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Tina is certified in family relationships and a trauma-informed coach.
Visit tinagosney.com for more information on coaching services.
