Dr. Amy Muise, an Associate Professor of Psychology and York Research Chair in Relationships and Sexuality at York University, directs the Sexual Health and Relationships (SHaRe) Lab, where she studies how couples build and sustain desire over time. In this episode, Dr. Amy breaks down why sexual desire declines even in happy relationships, the data behind planned versus spontaneous sex, and what actually predicts romantic chemistry. She also covers the surprising link between household labor and desire, and how to think about first dates without over-relying on "the spark."
References:
Timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
01:40 How one undergrad thesis led to a career studying relationships
02:46 Why sexual desire, specifically, became her research focus
05:43 The myth that desire stays high in a "healthy" relationship
08:00 Familiarity, novelty, and the self-expanding experiences that sustain desire
10:00 Is there a normal amount of sex to have
12:38 The gender gap in desire, and why it exists
13:32 How an unequal household load quietly lowers desire
20:58 The overwhelming, mostly false belief about spontaneous sex
22:44 Rebranding planned sex like planning a vacation
26:58 Should more couples be planning sex?
28:57 The five ingredients of real romantic chemistry
32:45 Why 40% of happy couples felt no spark at first
34:44 What a first date can, and can't, predict
36:52 Why relationship scientists struggle to predict compatibility
39:00 Beyond small talk: the "fast friends" questions that build closeness
46:50 Destiny vs. growth beliefs, and why growth wins
49:34 The craft Amy is spending a lifetime honing
