Fear of intimacy makes you shut down, pull away, or pick a fight right when love gets close. That isn't a character defect. It's a survival strategy doing a job, and once you see the job, you can change it.
In this video I share a client's story: a hardworking, patient man at work who was hiding from his wife at home, and who kept letting things slide until she pointed them out. When he traced it back, he found the short-term emotional relief underneath every withdrawal, and the childhood that taught him he had to perform to belong.
I break it down through the Worst Day Cycle™ (Trauma, Fear, Shame, Denial), the Authentic Self Cycle™ (Truth, Responsibility, Healing, Forgiveness), and the six steps of the Emotional Authenticity Method™.
Fear of intimacy is the fear of being seen behind the survival persona. The avoidant partner builds a better-than mask to cover how small and insignificant they felt as a child, and closeness threatens to expose it.
Shutting down, withdrawing, defensiveness and detachment are attempts to soothe intolerable, unhealed pain. They give short-term emotional relief, which is why they repeat even when the long-term cost is the relationship.
Negative control is not living up to your own standards so that someone else points it out. It creates distance and a reason to pull away without ever saying no directly.
The Adverse Childhood Experiences Study began in an obesity clinic where the most successful patients kept dropping out. The weight was doing a job, and the answer was childhood.
Kenny Weiss is a relationship, communication and childhood trauma recovery specialist, ICF certified coach, and author of Your Journey to Success and Your Journey to Being Yourself.
TOPICS COVERED: fear of intimacy, intimacy issues, why do I pull away, avoidant partner, shutting down in relationships, emotional withdrawal, negative control, survival persona, childhood trauma
TIMESTAMPS
0:00 Why you shut down when love gets close
1:02 Where the pattern was learned
2:05 The better-than mask and the wall
3:15 What the avoidant is really avoiding
4:09 Not a character defect, a medication
4:58 Negative control and the distance it creates
6:30 What the research shows
7:06 My own recovery
8:42 The Worst Day Cycle™
10:44 The Authentic Self Cycle™
12:46 The six steps of Emotional Authenticity
16:08 You are not to blame
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