You are not actually afraid of rejection. You are afraid of not being wanted, and those are two different wounds.
In this video on the fear of rejection, I show you why no one has ever actually rejected you, and what was really happening instead.
Most content on the fear of rejection teaches you how to soothe it. This one dismantles the premise. Nobody ever rejects us. All anyone is ever doing is pursuing their own needs and wants. What you call rejection is the moment you handed your value and worth to another person and made them responsible for deciding whether you keep it. And the survival persona you built to avoid rejection is the exact thing guaranteeing you never feel wanted, because even if they want you, they are wanting a version you manufactured.
I walk through my own years of constructing manipulative text messages instead of simply asking do you like me, a client who could not name his fear until he said out loud I am not okay with not being wanted, the Worst Day Cycle™ that installed this in childhood, the Authentic Self Cycle™ that gets you out, the first 6 steps of Emotional Authenticity, and the child versus adult emotional definition of worth.
No one can reject you. They can only pursue their own needs and wants. What you call rejection is your value and worth being outsourced to someone else's preference.
Rejection is a preference, not a verdict. When someone chooses differently, they are picking their own pizza toppings. They are not rejecting your eyes, your body, or your interests. They are pursuing the pizza they like.
A survival persona cannot receive love. Affection sent to a manufactured version of you cannot land on the real you, so being liked becomes proof that nobody knows you. That is why reassurance never works on the fear of not being wanted.
Your worth is either inherent or it is on loan. Adults never place the responsibility of determining their worth in somebody else's hands. Every time you edit yourself down to be chosen, you are running a childhood definition of value written before you could speak.
Kenny Weiss is a relationship, communication and trauma recovery specialist and the creator of the Worst Day Cycle™, the Authentic Self Cycle™, and the Emotional Authenticity Method™. He is the author of Your Journey To Success and Your Journey To Being Yourself.
TOPICS COVERED: fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feeling unwanted, why do I feel unwanted, fear of not being wanted, rejection sensitivity, anxious attachment, codependency, people pleasing, survival persona, self worth, childhood trauma
TIMESTAMPS
0:00 The message you have rewritten four times
1:20 Why I spent days building one text
3:10 Even if they want you, you will not feel wanted
5:10 The client who could not write the agreement
7:40 What the research says about hiding yourself
9:20 Rejection is just pizza toppings
11:40 The moment you hand over your value and worth
13:40 We are fighting our childhood, not them
15:30 The Worst Day Cycle behind the fear
17:20 The Authentic Self Cycle and the 6 steps of EA
20:00 Child worth versus adult worth
21:40 What being wanted actually feels like
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