Here's something I want you to know: you already have more tools than you think you do.

In this episode, I'm talking with one of my best friends and favorite humans again, the brilliant Lindsay Dotzlaf, about how to use the coaching tools you already have on yourself, especially in your relationships. Lindsay is a master coach's coach who helps coaches master the craft of coaching, and she's the host of the Mastering Coaching Skills podcast.

She did an episode for coaches about using your coaching skills on yourself, and I told her she had to come talk about it with me. Because here's the thing: if you listen to this podcast at all, you have coaching skills. Pausing and breathing. Asking a better question. Asking "what's the root cause?" Thinking on purpose about your partner. You use these skills at work all the time. Then we go home and forget we know how to troubleshoot.

At the heart of this conversation is a simple but powerful choice: in any charged moment, you can spiral or you can pivot. The spiral is the loop of beating yourself up, blaming your partner, going in circles and never moving forward. The pivot is one tiny step in a different direction. And the more you practice it, the stronger that muscle gets.

We talk about internalized blame (and the difference between "I am wrong" and "I did something wrong"), why building self-trust is what lets you pivot more and spiral less, and one of Lindsay's favorite tools for getting unstuck: putting the thought on the shelf.

Here is the scoop on what we talked about —

✨ Episode at a Glance

  • Why you already have coaching tools at your disposal, even if you don't call them that
  • The moment of choice in every charged interaction: spiral or pivot
  • Why "developing the muscle" of awareness matters more than any single tool
  • How high emotions lower your access to your own resources (and how the pause changes that)
  • "I have choices" — the sentence Maggie repeats, even in the most dire situations
  • Internalized blame, and the freeing difference between "I am wrong" and "I did something wrong"
  • The secondary wound: when we shame ourselves for spiraling in the first place
  • Building self-trust as a muscle, one tiny pivot at a time
  • Trading all-or-nothing thinking for the "dimmer switch"
  • Lindsay's favorite tool: put the thought on the shelf and ask "if that wasn't allowed to be true, now what?"

 

Resources mentioned in this episode:

 

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