Your partner gets defensive and suddenly the conversation you needed to have is completely buried. Now you’re defending yourself, they’re defending themselves, and whatever you actually needed to talk about is gone. This is one of the most common things I see in couples therapy, and in almost every case there’s more going on underneath the surface than it looks like from where you’re standing.
What this episode covers
What defensiveness usually is: a reaction to how something was delivered, not just a personality trait
Criticism vs contempt: the two Gottman concepts that predict relationship breakdown and how they trigger defensive responses
How to tell the difference between attacking the person and describing your own experience
The shopping trolley story: intention, impact and interpretation, and why couples fight about the wrong thing
How past experiences, trauma and negative sentiment override shape the way your partner hears what you say
Why some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t one
What to do when you see defensiveness coming, including the gentle startup
Leading with curiosity instead of accusation
How to ask your partner to rephrase something when it has landed wrong
Timestamps
0:00 Introduction
2:00 Criticism and contempt: what Gottman research tells us
4:00 How you start the conversation changes everything
6:00 Intention, impact and interpretation
10:00 When interpretation becomes the story we tell ourselves
13:00 How past experiences and trauma shape defensive responses
17:00 What to do when your partner gets defensive
20:00 How to phrase things differently and ask for a rephrase
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