You've probably received the same relationship advice everyone gets. Never go to bed angry. Just communicate more. Send them the link. Some of it sounds reasonable and most of it gets misapplied in ways that create more problems than they solve. Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host and author of the Amazon bestselling book Bad Marriage Advice, and she joins me to talk about what couples have been taught that isn't actually helping them, and what works instead.
What this episode covers
- Why never going to bed angry is one of the most misunderstood pieces of relationship advice and what it was actually meant to mean
- The HALTS acronym and why timing matters more than most couples realise when trying to work through conflict
- Monica's thought download exercise: how to separate what's actually happened from the story you're telling yourself about it
- Why an outsized reaction from your partner is almost never about what's happening right in front of you
- What Relational Life Therapy is and how the three phase approach works with couples
- The wise adult versus the adaptive child and what bringing yourself back online actually looks like in a heated moment
- Why understanding your partner doesn't mean agreeing with them
- How to share something you've learned with your partner without it turning into another argument
- What to do when one partner is unhappy and the other thinks everything is fine
- Monica's through line: if advice dampens communication, it's bad advice
Timestamps
0:00 Introduction
1:00 How Bad Marriage Advice came about
2:30 Never go to bed angry: what it actually means
5:00 Monica's personal experience and what changed
7:30 HALTS and responsible distance taking
9:00 The thought download exercise
12:00 Empathy for deeply ingrained beliefs 13:00 What Relational Life Therapy is
15:30 How Monica and her husband navigate things now
17:00 If it's hysterical it's historical
18:00 Understanding does not equal agreement
19:30 Being curious without being condescending
20:00 Walking on eggshells and when to get help
21:30 How to introduce this to your partner without it backfiring
24:00 Sending 30 reels and what it really means
27:00 When one partner wants to work on things and the other doesn't
30:00 Why going to therapy alone can still shift a dynamic
Resources and Links
Monica Tanner's website: monicatanner.com Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast: monicatanner.com Bad Marriage Advice by Monica Tanner: available on Amazon Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.au
Keep the Conversation Going
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Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au
Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host of Secrets of Happily Ever After and author of Bad Marriage Advice. Find her at monicatanner.com.
website: https://monicatanner.com
Instagram: https://instagram.com/monitalksmarriage
Youtube: https://youtube.com/@secretsofhappilyeverafter
