Your son's bedroom door is shut again, there's a voice coming through his speaker you don't recognise, and you're standing in the hallway wondering whether to knock. Every headline is telling you boys are in trouble, from the manosphere to the show Adolescence that had a whole country looking sideways at their own kid. Underneath all of it sits the pressure to raise a good human and a good man.
In this conversation, parenting researcher Dr Justin Coulson joins me to talk about his new book Boys: Building Strong Young Men From the Inside Out, what parents are worrying about that's actually normal, what deserves a code red, and five practical ways to start the conversations that matter.
Things Discussed:
- Why grunts, privacy and an obsession with mates are developmentally normal for teenage boys
- The code red signs Justin wants parents to take seriously: pornography, contempt towards girls and women, and not being able to accept no
- How boys are falling behind at school and university, and how that frustration can turn into blaming women
- The idea at the heart of Boys: healthy men help the people around them feel safer and stronger
- Why women are looking for a partner who will be a bonus in their life
- Role models, and who Australian boys actually name as their number one role model
- Why masculinity feels so easy to threaten, and what the research on precarious masculinity found
- Justin's five things: start young, call it out, teach empathy and perspective taking, talk through hypotheticals, and role model it
- How to respond to the parent who says "I never had this and I turned out fine"
- The water bottle of connection, and why correction and direction drain it
- Teen led time together with no hidden agenda
Timestamps:
0:00 The party conversation every parent of a teenage boy needs to have
0:15 Why parenting boys feels so hard right now
1:45 Meet Dr Justin Coulson
2:15 What parents worry about that's actually normal
3:30 The code red signs to take seriously
4:00 Boys falling behind at school and university
6:15 What teachers are seeing in primary school classrooms
8:00 Contribution and the core message of Boys
10:30 "Show me your bonus"
13:15 Role models and the manosphere
16:00 Who boys say their role model is
21:45 Precarious masculinity
25:45 Five things parents can do
27:45 Calling it out
29:45 Teaching feelings instead of telling off
30:30 Empathy and perspective taking
33:15 Hypothetical conversations about parties and peers
35:15 "I never had this and I turned out fine"
39:45 What you can do tonight
41:00 The water bottle of connection
45:45 Teen led time with no agenda
47:15 Where to find Justin
Resources and Links:
Boys: Building Strong Young Men From the Inside Out by Dr Justin Coulson: Get the Book Here
The Happy Families podcast: https://happyfamilies.com.au/podcast
Dr Justin Coulson's website: https://justincoulson.com/
Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves: https://www.amazon.com/Boys-Men-Modern-Struggling-Matters/dp/0815739877
Manhood in the Making by David Gilmore: https://www.jstor.org/stable/j.ctt5vm2vj
Tuning in to Teens: https://marievakakis.com.au/tuning-into-teens-parenting-program/
Connected Teens, my course for parents of teenagers: https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/
Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or a topic you'd like me to cover? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
About Our Guest:
Dr. Justin Coulson has a PhD in psychology and has spent more than 20 years researching families. He hosts Parental Guidance on Channel Nine and The Happy Families podcast, which comes out every weekday. He's a dad of six daughters and Boys is his 11th book.
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