The Seven Stages of Queer Love: Therapy with Queer Couples, Queer Sex, and the Developmental Model - An Interview with Tom Bruett, LMFT
Tom Bruett, LMFT on the seven stages of queer relationship development, the Developmental Model, queer couples therapy, and queer sex.
Curt and Katie talk with Tom Bruett, LMFT, founder of the Queer Relationship Institute, about what therapists most often get wrong when working with queer couples, why queer sex is still treated as an asterisk in most sex therapy training, and how the Developmental Model of Relationship Therapy can be expanded to better reflect queer experience.
Trained under Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, Tom adds two stages to the five-stage Developmental Model: Second Queer Adolescence and Agreement. The expanded seven-stage model gives therapists a clearer way to track differentiation, autonomy, and connection in queer relationships that do not fit the standard "relationship escalator." Tom is the author of The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men: From Honeymoon to Lasting Commitment (Jessica Kingsley Publishers).
This is a useful conversation for therapists working with queer couples, sex therapists, couples therapists trained in heteronormative models, and queer therapists looking for better tools and community for this work.
In this episode, we discuss:
- What therapists most often get wrong with queer couples and queer sex
- The Seven Stages of Queer Relationship Development, including Tom's two additions
- Why a "second queer adolescence" matters clinically
- Mutual interdependence versus codependence in gay male relationships
- Minority stress, the relationship escalator, and queer identity formation
- How the current political moment is showing up in queer couples therapy
- Trauma activation, nervous-system regulation, and slowing the work down
- Support for queer therapists working through a difficult cultural moment
Timestamps:
02:28 - What therapists get wrong with queer couples and queer sex
04:43 - Sex therapy training and the asterisk problem
08:20 - The Seven Stages of Queer Relationship Development
13:00 - Mutual interdependence versus codependence
17:39 - The relationship escalator and minority stress
21:14 - The current political moment in queer couples therapy
25:18 - Trauma, regulation, and slowing down the work
27:08 - Writing The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men
33:21 - Doing the work on the back end, not asking clients to educate you
34:13 - Where to find Tom and the Queer Relationship Institute
Guest Bio:
Tom Bruett, LMFT is a therapist, trainer, consultant, and author who works extensively with the queer community. He is the founder of the Queer Relationship Institute, which provides therapy for queer folx and training for therapists who work with queer relationships. Tom has trained under Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson in the Developmental Model of Relationship Therapy, which he now trains other therapists in. His book The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men: From Honeymoon to Lasting Commitment is published by JKP. Tom has spoken at national conferences including AASECT. Learn more at www.QueerRelationshipInstitute.com.
Full show notes and transcript: mtsgpodcast.com
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