When Dana Killion's husband finished rehab for alcoholism, he came home with more than a commitment to sobriety. He came home with a confession: a pattern of infidelity that ran through more than twenty years of their marriage. "It caused me to question everything," Dana says. Their marriage, his commitment, what had been real, and even her own identity.
Over the next eight years, Dana walked through the end of that marriage, the deaths of both parents, a move across the country, and the loss of her son. In this conversation, she talks with Tim about what it took to come through those losses without being hollowed out, and why she chose the word “unbreakable” to describe it. For Dana, unbreakable doesn't mean armored against future pain. It means having a process to return to when pain arrives.
At the center of the conversation is an idea Dana calls creating the story of why. Betrayed partners usually expect the person who hurt them to explain it. When that explanation never comes, the mind tends to fill the gap with resentment or self-blame. Dana knew her former husband couldn't give her a satisfying answer, so she pieced one together herself from his childhood history, his addiction, and the patterns she could see. She acknowledges it may not be fully accurate, but it gave her what she needed: a way to put the question to rest. Tim and Dana also talk about the limits of that approach. The involved partner still has their own work to do in understanding their choices, and a betrayed partner's explanation is not an excuse for what happened.
In this episode:
What "unbreakable" means, and why it isn't the same as armor
What therapy offered Dana, and what journaling and writing gave her that therapy couldn't
Writing fiction first, when reality was too raw to put on the page
Learning the truth as a byproduct of a partner's sobriety
How the grief of betrayal differs from the grief of a death
Creating the story of why, and why it may need to come before forgiveness
The mantra "I will not let him destroy me," and using it as a measure of progress
Baby steps after trauma: small actions that rebuild a sense of control
Three versions of your trauma story: the one-liner, the short story, and the novel
An unexpected conversation with another woman who had once been married to her husband
LINKS and EXTRAS
Episode Page: https://www.affairhealing.com/podcasts/075
Dana's website: danakillion.com; social media: @danakillionauthor
Becoming Unbreakable: A Big Sister's Guide to Trauma
Where the Shadows Dance (Dana's memoir)
Understanding WHY Course & Coaching
Need personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.
