In this solo episode of Pathological Positivity, Dr. Paul Jenkins looks at the question we ask ourselves when something goes wrong. Most of us start with a quick 'why me?', but it usually isn't a question at all. It's a complaint or a protest dressed up as one. He offers a four step strategy: recognize the question, notice the answer, choose a more powerful question, and remain in the question.
The first step is telling a genuine question from a complaint in disguise. "Why does this always happen to me?" already has an answer, and it isn't a helpful one. A real question stays open to discovering something we don't already know. Dr. Paul uses the example of a child who answers a limit with a protesting why. They aren't really wondering, they're trying to get you to change the limit. We do the same thing in our own minds without noticing.
The second step is noticing the answer. Our brains would rather have a questionable answer than sit with an unanswered question, so they will make one up. Dr. Paul shares a story from his book, Pathological Positivity, about the years before he was diagnosed with spasmodic dysphonia, a neurological voice condition. His mind had already handed him fabricated explanations, from unresolved psychological issues to old religious guilt, long before a specialist gave him the real answer. Once we see the answers we've accepted, we can ask whether they are true or even useful.
The third step is choosing a better question. Dr. Paul offers five to try when things don't go as planned. What's in this for me? What can I learn from this? What is there to be grateful for in this? How is this perfect for me? Given what is, what could I create next? Each one needs to be a real question, not a statement with a question mark on the end. He tells the story of spraining his ankle on the basketball court and hearing himself say "this is perfect for me" before he could see how it was.
The final step is the hardest: you don't need an answer right away. Dr. Paul describes a minister he once interviewed who would pause, put a hand over his heart, and ask what the lesson was whenever something painful or unexpected happened. Remaining in the question builds patience and humility, and it leaves room for the hidden treasures in the troubles to show up over time. Next time something goes wrong, notice the question, notice the answer, choose a better question, and stay in it.
Positives is the platform where these ideas become daily practice, and there is a free sample at pathologicalpositivity.com/positives. Learn more about the show at pathologicalpositivity.com and about Dr. Paul's work at drpauljenkins.com.
