897 - Gotta Know Where the Nozzles Are

A Mediocre Time with Tom & Dan: Episode Notes

Episode: "897 - Gotta Know Where the Nozzles Are"

Hosts: Tom Vann, Dan Dennis | Guest: Ross McCoy (comedian, The Orlando Talk Show)

Sponsors / Ad Reads

• Jeff's Bagel Run: Opening read. The hosts rave about the cannoli cream cheese (ricotta and mini chocolate chips) and the banana pudding spread, which they call top three. They also mention the hot sauce and chive and onion spreads (there's a vegan version), Otis coffee and seasonal drinks. The free app gives a free bagel at signup and earns points. Find locations at jeffsbagelrun.com.
• Just Call Moe / DeWitt Law: Studio name ("Injured on the Go, Just Call Moe Studio"). They plug Moe's free VIP program at justcallmoe.com, which comes with a metal card and invites to events.
• Streamline Florida (Brian): Mortgage read. Brian keeps clients on file and calls when a rate or program makes sense. A host's sister-in-law Alex saved thousands with him. His cell number is under the Tom & Dan logo at streamlineflorida.com, and listeners should say they're a Tom & Dan listener.
• Surfshark VPN: Tom & Dan deal through the link on tomanddan.com, with extra months from $2.39/month. Uses mentioned: picking a country to stream shows from abroad (Andrea watches a British show through BBC) and watching soccer like EPL and Serie A.

Segment Rundown

1. Cold open: "What's up" greetings. The hosts riff on the classic 2000s podcast greeting. Then they argue again over whether to keep saying their names at the top of every show, a fight that also came up on Love Thy Neighbor with Colette. Dan defends the intro as "fit and finish" and a sign of respect for the audience.
2. Ross's podcast plug. Ross promotes the new Orlando Talk Show episode with comedian Larry Fulford. They break down Moe's Comedy Jam, and Ross tells a darkly funny story about his dad calling to say he has prostate cancer.
3. Moe's Comedy Jam details. The show is tomorrow at the Funny Bone and benefits the Yellow Brick Road Foundation (YBRF.org). Moe's bowling tournament usually benefits Rosie's Adventures. Colette and Kentucky Steve are coming. The start time gets mixed up on air, and Dan realizes he gave Colette the wrong time.
4. Ross's celebrity fishing. Ross is staying at "the Wizard's House" tonight so he can go pompano fishing with Captain B in the morning, using Captain B's three-hook setup. After that he'll be at the weigh-in after-party at Mavericks in Satellite Beach.
5. Tom & Dan Cruise 2027 update. Bookings are reportedly on pace to beat cruises from "bigger" radio shows. Prices go up as room blocks sell out, and balcony rooms already went up $20. Ross compares it to mining Bitcoin.
6. Beerfest gift bag debate. Gift bags are back for the Bad at Business Beerfest. Ross pushes for totes, but Tom insists on tiny black printed plastic bags because sponsors pay for everything. The running "brain internet search" bit starts here. Sponsors and partners mentioned: Pinball Dudes (Andrew, the first-ever Beerfest sponsor) with two free-play pinball tents, Tactical Brewing (moving to a new location soon) and the Supervillains playing a free after-party at the West End. SJ in the chat asks whether Publix could sponsor the totes. Tom says they won't, citing his Publix manager contact.
7. Sofas & Suds. The Sanford Couch Races are the next day. All teams are set, Tom and Dan call the races, and the event is free and family- and dog-friendly.
8. Science Center Halloween party. At Tracy's request, they call it the best value in town: drinks, food, karaoke and demonstrations, which makes it a good date night. Tickets at OSC.org.
9. Passing on traits to kids. Tom says he "cursed" his sons with his genetics. Talk turns to dads kissing kids on the lips. Dan says his week alone with Maisie, while Andrea traveled for work, was one of the best of his life, even though his routine fell apart.
10. Kids and phones. Tom regrets giving his sons phones but says it's almost a social necessity. Dan is upgrading to the new folding iPhone Duo and promises a review next week.
11. Unanswered texts. Tom's mom, Marilyn Vann ("Mimi"), texted Max about 30 times without a reply. Max had seen the texts but never registered them. Chat parents (Tracy, Conway J) say their kids do the same. Tom admits he ignores small-talk texts, including Dan's, and finds emoji reactions passive-aggressive. Tom also tells how he hearted a listener's text about a racing simulator and the listener's girlfriend took it the wrong way.
12. The after-school recap. Whichever parent does school pickup (Krystal, in Tom's house) hears all about the day, and the other parent gets "good." Tom also complains that English class is now called "ELA."
13. Tommy's hero letter. Tommy's ELA assignment was a three-paragraph letter to his hero. Tom pictures getting a letter about his half marathons and imagines framing it. Instead, Tommy used the rule that a letter handed directly to your hero gets the same credit, told the teacher he had done that, and never wrote it. Tom blames himself for passing down a loophole-hunting brain.
14. Do the hosts have heroes? Tom says he never really had heroes. As a kid he probably would have named his dad or grandfather, or given whatever answer the teacher wanted.
15. HHN RIP tour recap. Ross went to Halloween Horror Nights with Moe's VIP group (24 people), and comedian and Comedy Jam alum Danielle Mathis was their guide. They skipped every line, an estimated 12 hours of waiting saved. Food review: the viral vegan pizza skull was just okay, the carnival smash tacos (a Big Mac-style taco) were a 10/10, and the chimichurri beef and curry chicken over mashed potatoes were also good.
16. House reviews, part 1. Ozzy Osbourne (Ross loved it; he says the Orlando house uses different albums than the Hollywood one), Evil Dead (okay), Caged Cannibals (a walrus-man character Ross mistook for his reflection in a mirror), the frozen-corpse future house (decent), Invasion: Alien Abduction (the one to skip, the same scare repeated over and over), Jack and Oddfellow (lots of jokes about the name) and Stranger Things (excellent even for a non-fan).
17. Skipping the line. Tom says he feels guilty being ushered past people waiting and would rather use a secret passage. Ross says he loved it, admits he's normally a "line waiter" and jokes about photographing the crowds stuck behind barricades.
18. Babies at HHN. Ross sat behind a woman with a sweating baby in a carrier in the 95-degree heat, and the baby's dad put in earplugs for himself only. Tom admits he once forgot to cover Tommy's ears during a cannon firing in St. Augustine. They agree babies should pay full price or be kept out.
19. Nightmare Fuel: Blood Noir. The show is a sexy vampire show at the Fear Factor stadium, and the RIP group was seated next to a runway into the crowd. Highlights: a sword swallower who licks the blade, does push-ups and rolls with the sword in, then screws corkscrew props through his nose and sinuses inches from the group. The audience gets sprayed with water many times, and Ross wants to know where the nozzles are, which gives the episode its title. Tom and Dan both say they dislike the phrase "nightmare fuel."
20. House reviews, part 2. Sinners (amazing and acted like a walk-through stage play; Tracy liked it least but got scared in it), the Pinhead meet-and-greet (Ross nearly knocked over the lighting rig), Hellraiser (Ross is a big Clive Barker fan; 10/10) and his overall favorite, the original house HR Blood and Guts, built around a 70s schlock filmmaker who escapes prison and introduces each room on TV, likely Mike Aiello's idea. They also note Jack the Clown is now a Fortnite skin. Ross ends with a plug for Moe's VIP program and promo code 10 at moecomedyjam.com.
21. Comedy Jam time check. After the break they confirm the time. A few versions get floated before they land on doors at 5, show at 6.
22. Feel-good videos and principals. Tom says he likes military homecoming surprise videos. Then he plays a clip of students faking a cafeteria fight to surprise their principal for his birthday. Tom says principals shouldn't be friends with students and recalls his feared high school principal, Dr. E. Daryl Dean. Other bits: Kristine and others in the chat question Tom's take, a Butler balloon callback, coaches as tough-but-loved figures, and Ross's annoyance at teachers memorizing custom handshakes for every student.
23. AI photos. Ross's AI-edited celebrity fishing photo gets roasted (Ryan in the chat called him a "non-union Mexican stuntman"). Ross credits Tom for commenting "AI" under an old real photo of Tom in clown makeup at a gas station opening. Tom wore the makeup after losing a football bet with Brett Bourgie.
24. Tesla flying car demo. A host saw listener Richard Heron share the Tesla Roadster video, first assumed Richard fell for AI, then learned it's real. The car drives up a vertical wall, drops off upside down and lands on thrusters, then barrel-rolls over a semi. The chat (Kristine, Cara, Krystal) is skeptical and critical of Elon Musk, and the hosts argue over vaporware versus future uses like preventing rollovers. Side references: the "human flight is a million years away" story from their Brad Meltzer interview, the four-minute mile and a German robot groping case.
25. Wrap-up. Moe uses a Tom & Dan sound as his Tesla chime and tries to avoid driving himself as much as possible. A host is at 98.6% self-driving. Final plugs follow. Just before sign-off, the chat confirms the Tesla is a prototype that can't carry a person, and the host maintains it still really happened.

Key Dates / Plugs Mentioned

• Ongoing (Halloween season): Halloween Horror Nights at Universal, including the RIP tour. Science Center Halloween party, tickets at OSC.org.
• Tomorrow (Saturday) morning: Ross fishes with Captain B, then is at the weigh-in after-party at Mavericks, Satellite Beach, 12 to 2 p.m.
• Tomorrow (Saturday) evening: Moe's Comedy Jam at the Funny Bone, doors 5, show 6 (final confirmation). Benefits the Yellow Brick Road Foundation (YBRF.org). Tickets at moecomedyjam.com, promo code 10.
• Monday: Next show.
• Next week: Dan's iPhone Duo review.
• November 21: Bad at Business Beerfest. Gift bags from noon, sample cups and wristbands noon to 2, must be 21+. Free after-party with the Supervillains at the West End.
• November 22: Sofas & Suds, Sanford Couch Races (free).
• September 2027: Tom & Dan Cruise. Deposits at TomandDanCruise2027.com; price rises with each block sold.
• Anytime: Ross's Orlando Talk Show episode with Larry Fulford. Moe VIP signup at justcallmoe.com. Surfshark deal at tomanddan.com. Streamline Florida at streamlineflorida.com. Jeff's Bagel Run app at jeffsbagelrun.com.

Notable Guests/Callers

• Ross McCoy: In-studio guest, comedian and host of The Orlando Talk Show
• Chat room: SJ (Publix tote idea), Tracy (Science Center plug, HHN comments), Conway J, Kristine, Ryan, Cara and Krystal weighed in
• Mentioned, not on air: Moe DeWitt, Colette and Kentucky Steve, Captain B, Danielle Mathis (HHN tour guide), Larry Fulford, Marilyn Vann (Mimi), Richard Heron, Dr. E. Daryl Dean
• No phone calls or voicemails in this episode