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Understanding Where Your Patterns Come From Doesn't Excuse You From Changing Them
“I grew up that way.”
It's something we hear all the time when people talk about their behavior in relationships. And here's the thing: it's probably true.
The way you handle conflict. The way you shut down when things get uncomfortable. The way you avoid difficult conversations, struggle with boundaries, or find yourself repeating the same relationship patterns over and over again.
Those behaviors didn't necessarily come from nowhere.
Many of them were learned long before you were old enough to question them.
But here's where things get complicated.
Understanding why you do something isn't the same as taking accountability for continuing to do it.
In this episode of Pattern Breakers Collective, we're talking about the difference between understanding our patterns and actually changing them. Because while our childhood experiences, family dynamics, and generational histories can explain a great deal about how we show up in relationships, that understanding was never supposed to become a permanent excuse.
This conversation started with something my mom said to me recently about how I approach learned behavior and parental responsibility. Her comment got me thinking about something I've believed for a long time: we can acknowledge the impact of our upbringing without spending the rest of our lives blaming the people who raised us.
And we can extend compassion to ourselves for what we didn't know while still taking responsibility for what we do now.
I'm also getting personal in this episode.
I'm sharing some of my own reflections about raising my children, the relationship dynamics they witnessed growing up, and the things I wish I'd understood sooner. Because accountability isn't just something I talk about in my work. It's something I've had to confront in my own life.
And sometimes that means going back, acknowledging what happened, and having conversations we wish we didn't need to have.
We'll explore how generational patterns develop, why awareness is only the beginning of meaningful change, and what accountability actually looks like when the behavior you're trying to change is something you've been doing for most of your life.
We'll also talk about an important distinction: you can understand why someone hurt you without excusing what they did. And you can recognize where your own behavior came from without giving yourself permission to keep repeating it.
Because ultimately, you cannot change what your parents did. You cannot make someone else recognize the harm they've caused. And you cannot rewrite the circumstances that shaped you.
But you can decide what happens next.
You didn't get to choose what you were taught. But you get to choose what you do with it now.
And that might be the most important part of breaking the cycle.
If you've spent years understanding your patterns but still find yourself repeating them, this episode is an invitation to consider what comes after awareness.
Not shame. Not blame. Not endless self-criticism.
Actual change.
Ready to move beyond understanding your patterns and start breaking them?
Inside the 12-week Pattern Breakers Collective coaching program, we work on identifying the patterns shaping your relationships, rebuilding self-trust, and making intentional changes that help you create a life that feels like your own.
Explore the program at PatternBreakersCollective.com.
If this episode resonates, share it with someone who's doing the work of breaking generational cycles. And if you haven't already, please leave a review wherever you listen. It helps more women find these conversations.
One question to leave you with:
What's one pattern you've understood for a long time but haven't quite figured out how to change?
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