In this solo episode, I’m talking about amends. Not just saying sorry, but actually looking at why we’re apologising in the first place. Are we trying to repair something we fucked up, or are we trying to get somebody to forgive us so we can feel better about ourselves?
I see this a lot in therapy and recovery. We apologise and then expect the other person to move on. But taking responsibility doesn’t mean somebody has to forgive us, trust us again, or even want us in their life. Sometimes the best amend we can make is to leave somebody the fuck alone.
For me, an apology is something we say. An amend is something we live. If I keep apologising for the same behaviour without changing it, eventually the apology means fuck all. The change in behaviour is the amend.
I also talk about being okay with being the bad guy in somebody else’s story. There are people from my past who probably have a pretty shit version of me, and maybe they’re right. I don’t need to chase them down and convince them I’m different now. I need to live differently now.
After twenty five years sober, that’s still part of recovery for me. Turning the window into a mirror, looking at my part, repairing what I can, and accepting that I don’t get to control what anybody else does with it.
The question I leave for the next guest is:
What is the hardest amends you’ve ever had to make to somebody?
It’s You. Oh Fuck. It’s ME. In Session with a Psychotherapist Hosted by Chad Taylor. Author of It’s You. Oh Fuck. It’s ME
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