The Unfolding Podcast - Season 4 - Episode 2

Welcome back to the Unfolding Podcast. Season four, episode two. I'm your girl, Yvonne Wink. But before we jump in, I have to give a little love to my girl Tracy. First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you for all the love on our season four premiere. It was amazing. That episode is still blowing up, friends, and honestly, I'm not surprised.

Right? But two women who have known each other for what 23 years, I think is what we decided on. throw some microphones in front of us, give us permission to talk about anything. And apparently we've got ourselves a little situation. So thank you for all the love. Tracy, thank you. I love you. Thank you for being so open and honest and funny and so unapologetically you.

That we all embraced it and felt the same way. So if you haven't listened to it yet, that episode, go back one. Trust me, it's worth it. All right. Let's do this now. I want to talk about something today that's been on my heart. And it and this might make us all a little uncomfortable. I know I am. I know when I have to have conversations like this, when I've had them with myself, it wasn't fun. So

I don't want to scare you, so stay with me. I want to talk about something that I think we're all guilty of. Some of us more than others. And some of us should probably be paying some restitution here. Because we've been spending some something incredibly valuable, like it's an unlimited resource.

Guess what that is? Yes, you guessed. It's our time. And I think what I'm so fascinated with is that I was thinking about this. We're so protective over so many things, but let's just name one thing. Okay, money. We are. We're a lot of us are very protective of our money. We worry about.

wasting it about you know maybe someone's gonna overcharge us or that we've missed a good sale right we want to know exactly where our money goes we look at it you know I know I do as soon as I get my statements or going through my charge my charges on my credit card I am very methodical and precise about what was spent

But our time? I know for myself, I'll give that away like I'm handing out free samples at Costco. I give it away to people, right? Five years in a job that sometimes we absolutely hate. Ten years promising ourselves we're finally going to start taking care of our health. Twenty years waiting for the right moment to pursue a dream.

Or years waiting for someone to finally love us the way we've been asking to be loved, the way we deserve to be loved. Somehow we convince ourselves that what's been happening is it's it's perfectly reasonable, right? But here's the thing. See, you can lose money and make it back.

But if you don't know this, now you're gonna know. You cannot earn back a single random Tuesday from 2019. Trust me, I've looked into it because I know there's some of us listening. We'd give up all of our earthly possessions for just one more day, just one more minute, hour, time with a loved one. And yet we keep telling ourselves.

The same little lie. I have time. I'll start Monday. I'll do it when I'm feeling better, when the sun's out, when the kids are older, when I have more money. When I lose the ten pounds. When work slows down, that's when I'll do it for sure. When I feel ready. When the economy improves.

When Merc when Mercury finally gets the hell out of retrograde.

And here's what makes this lie so expensive.

We don't notice what it's costing us while we're telling it. Because the bill doesn't arrive all at once. No, no, no, no, no, friend. It comes in installments. A missed opportunity here. a a dream postponed there. A friendship or a relationship that we stop nurturing. Conversation.

That we swore we were gonna have, but we never did. A version of ourselves that we never got around to becoming. But we saw her, we we envisioned what that looked like. And then one day we wake up and we realize we've spent years preparing to live a life we haven't actually started living.

And and I wanna make something even even a bit more clear here before we go any further. See, this isn't going to be one of those motivational episodes where I tell you, quit your job, sell your house, abandon your responsibilities, and come join me in Bali.

Because y'all know I love Bali. And frankly, I understand the temptation. I do. I do. But that's not what this is about. That's not what is sitting and weighing heavily on my heart right now. This is about something a little bit more uncomfortable, right? Because what if you're not waiting for the right time?

What if you're waiting for a version of yourself who isn't afraid?

I said it. But what if that version of you doesn't arrive until you actually start moving? Until you start heading in that direction with courage one small step at a time.

So as we talk today, we're talking about the psychology of waiting. And I I hope that gives you more insight. I hope that that I can share some of my wisdom here, right? Because the stories we tell ourselves, right, the years that we invest in things that stopped fulfilling us a long time ago, right? And what and why it's never too late to question the life you built.

gonna help you understand the psychology behind all of this right now. Because here's what I want you to remember, if anything, today. Just because you've grown roots somewhere doesn't mean you're required to stay there.

That's where we're gonna go today.

was having it actually what I'm about to talk about today stemmed from a conversation that was having with somebody that I I I cared deeply for. this man recently he's he's about 55 years old, right? And he and he was actually struggling. It was this wasn't just a bad day. This is someone who was struggling. He was looking back at his life with some regret. You know, he was talking about the years that had passed, the things that he'd wished he'd done differently. Some of those decisions

That he had made? What if I had gone left, not right? Right? What if I would have taken this opportunity and not that opportunity? You know, the things that he hadn't quite accomplished yet. And I could hear how disappointed he was, not just in his circumstances, but in himself. I think we've all had moments like that. I know I have. We look back and we wonder, how did I get here?

Is this really what my life has become?

And I listened to him because I could hear, I guess I'd call it sadness. I could hear the sadness. But I could also, I I could also hear something that concerned me. And that's what I wanted to talk about today, right? He seemed to have accepted that his life couldn't really change anymore. So I said, well, why not reinvent yourself? Start something new.

I don't know, go back to school, explore another career, quit, abandon this whole thing if you're that miserable here. Learn something new, something that you've always wanted to learn. Try it. Travel. Find something that inspires you and excites you again.

And I was stunned by his response. He said, No way. It's too late. This is just who I am.

And that really stayed with me because I wasn't looking at a man whose life was over. I was looking at someone who still had so much life in him and so much life ahead of him. Someone with experiences and abilities, talents, qualities that I don't think he could fully see in himself at that moment.

See, I could see the success he's had in many aspects, in many areas of his life. And I wanted him to see what I could see. The possibilities, the opportunities, the parts of himself that he hadn't discovered yet.

And I remember I thinking

Who told you that 55 was too late? I mean, right? Like who decided that? Because I missed the memo. I'm glad I missed it. Like, was there a meeting that was held that I wasn't invited to? right? Like this like A-A-R-P send out some notice, right? Congratulating us on reaching 50, right?

Congratulations, sir, you've reached fifty-five. Your personality and your entire life is now permanent. Please return all remaining dreams, visions, thoughts, feelings to the front desk. It's no longer yours. I mean, seriously. And I say this with love because I understand how somebody gets there. I do. I understand how we get there. Life can wear us down.

People wear us down. Disappointments, you know, accumulate, right? We make decisions we wish we hadn't. We experience losses. Sometimes we we stayed too long, right? Sometimes we try to change something and it didn't work. We tried.

And after enough of that, you know, I think it's possible to stop imagining that things could be different. This is why I get it. I I understand when people say this to me. What are you talking about? Starting something new? Learning something new, leaving my career.

It's not because we're we're incapable of changing, right? Sometimes it's because we stop believing that change is available to us. We don't even think about it anymore.

And that's what made me sad about that conversation. I wasn't trying to tell him his life was easy or that reinventing himself was gonna be like this easy one, two, three step, right? Just purchase my program for nineteen ninety-nine.

I just didn't want him to confuse the life he'd lived so far with the only life he was allowed to live. Because how many of us do that? And and maybe not not with age. Sometimes it's with our marriage, our relationships, our careers, our bodies, our money money money, even our past mistakes.

We start describing our circumstances as though they're permanent features of our identity.

I'm just not confident. Hi, I'm Yvonne. I'm just not good with money. I'm too I'm too old to date. I'm not creative. Hi, I'm John. I'm terrible at relationships. I've always been this way.

Really? Always? Careful. We are trapped in our words. Cause really always? Is it possible that that maybe you've just been practicing that version of yourself for so long that it feels like the only one available?

There's a saying attributed to what I think his name is what's his the the there's helicopters going there's a lot happening in my house right now. But there's this I was thinking about him earlier. This he was a he was a motivational speaker. He was Tony Robbins mentor. His name was Jim Roan. That's right. he he said this thing, I've heard it

said several different ways, but he basically what he said was, if you don't like where you are, you can change it because you're not a tree. I loved it. My friend just said it the other day that her daughter reminded her of that. And so it reminded me of that. I was like, who said that? But it was Jim Rohn. So you can look into his work if you want. But I was thinking about that, right? A tree a tree can't wake up one morning and say, you know what?

I'm done here. I'm done with this forest. You know, this energy just isn't working for me anymore. It's just off. But we can make changes. Not always immediately. And it's not always easy. Not always the exact changes and the timing that we'd prefer. But we can question the story that says nothing can ever be different.

In fact, I challenge you, right? Question that story.

Just because you've grown roots somewhere doesn't mean you're required to stay there. Sometimes we confuse familiarity with destiny, right? And those, those two things aren't the same.

And so thinking about this, because you know what I've noticed in the work that I do professionally, and you know what, actually, I'm gonna throw it out there. I I'm gonna say this even with friends and conversations that I have, right? People can become incredibly comfortable being miserable. Right? It's a story that they've taken on. And I know this sounds ridiculous. I know it does, because who wants to be miserable? Nobody wakes up and says that. And in fact, it's really difficult for us to admit that.

Right? Hey, good morning. Another beautiful day here to hate my life. But think about it. We do. We complain about the same job. We complain about the same man or woman that we are in relationship with or friends with, right? We complain about the same circumstances. We don't change them. We complain about the same habits.

I'm so sick of smoking, drinking, right? We complain about the same problems, the same body, year after year after year. And when somebody suggests we change something, for instance, me, nicely suggesting, hey, why don't you change that? Suddenly, I notice people become attorneys, right?

We have this entire legal defense prepared for why change is absolutely impossible. I've come across many people like this, right? You suggest that they stop or start doing the thing that'll give them that forward progress, right? That's those small little changes daily. And they are ready to defend you. I can't afford it. I'm just too old. I don't have time.

I wouldn't even know where to start.

And sometimes those are legit obstacles. I'll give it to you. But sometimes they're just really convincing excuses.

And here's where I want you to feel a little uncomfortable, because I know I did.

Have you become more committed to explaining why your life can't change than actually exploring how it could?

Ouch. I know. I didn't like that question either. Because I I actually had to ask myself the very same thing. I walked around for a year kicking my own ass as I was answering that question, right? Because I realized I had become more committed to explaining why my life couldn't or wouldn't change as opposed to actually.

exploring all the possibilities and the reasons for why it could change.

Here's what makes this so interesting psychologically, right? Because we often gravitate toward what's familiar and predictable. We do. There's a payoff for everything we do. I say this all the time. Even when what's familiar isn't particularly fulfilling or even good for us, right? Because uncertainty can feel threatening. Sometimes the discomfort we know.

we feel safer than the possibility we don't.

Think about that. We will sometimes tolerate years of familiar unhappiness to avoid a few months of unfamiliar discomfort.

Do you know how difficult it was to finally say I'm done? I deserve better, I want better, I'm done. I tolerated years of familiar unhappiness because I was avoiding a smaller time frame of unfamiliar discomfort.

And then we call it being realistic, right? And okay, listen, I'm not suggesting that everybody who's unhappy is choosing to be unhappy. Life is complicated. Money's real, health is real, responsibilities are real, but so is our ability to get very creative when we're defending a life we've outgrown. Sometimes the hardest part isn't changing our circumstances. It's admitting

that you may have more choices than you've been allowing yourself to see.

Because once you admit that, you might actually have to do something about it. And honestly, that can be terrifying. But I want you to remember something as you're listening here. You can be grateful for the life you've built and still admit you've outgrown parts of it. Both those things can be true.

So I want to go even a little bit deeper into our uncomfortability. Unbeing uncomfortable. Is it uncomfortability? Who knows? But I want to go deeper there. Okay. I want us to get more uncomfortable. There's a word for this, and I can't think of it right now. I don't know why. but okay, whatever, let me move on. I think.

I think there's another reason that we stay in situations that we've outgrown, right? I don't think that we talk about this enough. So I want to make us uncomfortable and talk about it. Because see, the thing is, is sometimes we don't actually want to make the decision. We want the decision made for us. We want the job to fire us or lay us off. Probably lay us off, right? So we can get this, we can get a what's that thing called?

I can't think anymore. I'm done. I'm done. sometimes we do though. We don't want to make the decisions for ourselves. We want the business partnership to go away, to just dissolve. We want it to just it's gone. We want the circumstances to change so dramatically that we have no choice but to do something different.

I've even heard people say, you know what? I wish my partner would just cheat on me or leave us. Leave my family. Leave us. He's worse for me. She's worse for the family dynamic. This is terrible. I know. I know. Stay with me here though. Because have you ever been in a relationship where you knew something wasn't right? You weren't, you weren't happy. You weren't fulfilled. You weren't getting what you needed and deserved.

But you also weren't ready to be the person who ended it. That is why people find themselves in those situations.

So somewhere in the back of your mind, you almost wish something would happen. Something undeniable. Something that would finally give you permission to leave.

Poof, he's gone. Right? Maybe they'd cheat. Maybe they'd end it. Maybe they'd get lost and couldn't find their way back. Maybe they'd do something so outrageous that even your most delusional, optimistic, but I see their potential self couldn't even justify staying.

Then you wouldn't have to be the one who made the decision. You wouldn't have to be you wouldn't have to have that difficult conversation you've been avoiding. You wouldn't have to disappoint somebody. You wouldn't have to sit, what I say all the time, in your shitty diaper. You wouldn't have to sit with the guilt, the pain, the irritation, the uncomfortableness. You wouldn't have to wonder whether you made the wrong choice.

You could say, well, they left me. They cheated. I had no choice.

And I'm not saying everyone does this, so hold on. But I think more people recognize that feeling than are willing to admit it.

Because sometimes what we're really waiting for isn't clarity. We're waiting for permission. Permission to leave. Permission to change. Permission to disappoint people. Permission to want something different.

And here's the brutal part about this. While we're waiting for somebody else to make that decision, we're still making one. We're deciding to stay. We're deciding to postpone. We're deciding to let another day pass.

yvonne wink (25:52)

And sometimes that decision is completely understandable, right? Maybe, maybe we we it we just can't. We have kids, we got little ones, we have financial responsibilities, we have a complicated situation. It's just not that cut and dry, that easy to understand or digest, right? Sometimes we're just afraid. And maybe we genuinely don't know what the right decision is. So I'm not minimizing minimizing any of that.

But I I do want you to ask yourself something, right? Are you staying because you're actively choosing this life, right? Think about your life. Think about your relationship, your career, your friendship, your dynamics, all of that. Are you staying in that because you're actively choosing that? Or are you staying because you're afraid to choose a different one?

Those are not the same thing.

Sometimes I think I I I we don't realize how much power we've handed over until we find ourselves hoping that somebody else will do the hard thing for us. Yet we're making their life miserable.

Or and our our life miserable.

'Cause then we get to be the person something happened to. Don't start throwing tomatoes at me. It's true though. Some people enjoy being the victim.

Because then we get to be the person something happened to instead of the person who chose something, right? Because choosing can be scary. It takes courage.

Choice comes with responsibility. But guess what? It also comes with. And I love this. It comes with possibility. And so if you look at it like that, maybe that's the trade-off, right? We can't always control what happens to us. We can't control what family we got dropped into and who we were raised by, right? Who the caregivers and the programmers and all of that was. We can't, we don't always have control over that. But when choices are available.

We can start taking responsibility for the direction we're moving.

I want you to remember this. Not making a decision doesn't stop time. It just means time keeps moving while you're waiting.

And I wanted to talk about that just briefly about the cost of waiting. There's a real cost of waiting. And so there's this something that psychologists and they call it's called the sunk cost fallacy. I don't know if anybody's ever heard of that. Well, well, I guess lots of people have, but for those of you that that I this is better, for those of you have that have not heard of that, the sunk

cost fallacy. but don't worry, I'm not going to turn this into a college lecture right now. I'm going to give you the real quick on here. what that is, the sunk cost fallacy, it's how do I say this? Okay. So it's like our tendency, it's our tendency to keep investing in something because of what we've already invested. Does that make sense? Even when, if you think about it like this, even when

Continuing may l it it doesn't make sense any longer.

And and frankly we do this everywhere. You stay in a career you hate because why? Well, I've already sp spent twenty years, thirty years building this career. I'm ready to retire.

You keep paying for a gym membership that you've never used because well, I paid the original I was grandfathered in with the in original, you know, this this enrollment fee, right?

You finish a terrible movie because well, I'm already an hour in and I I I'm committed to this. We stay in relationships because we've already invested so much time.

We say, I've already put so much into this, right? So I get it, I get it. That is real. It's so real. I hear you. That those all those investments mattered. All those years mattered. The blood, the sweat, the tears, it all mattered. But here's the question. If you weren't already invested, would you choose this again today? Would you choose

The home, the neighborhood, the career, the friendships, the partnership, the marriage, the vacations, the trips.

Because the years that you've already spent they're gone, whether you stay or leave.

And that doesn't automatically mean leading is the right decision. So hear me here, hear me, hear me, hear me. Sometimes staying and repairing something is absolutely worth it. I have done it in a couple of relationships. I stayed, I I worked diligently at trying to repair something, and it is worth it. Sometimes, sometimes your career it needs a new direction, right? It needs a new revamp, not a resignation letter necessarily.

But just a little bit more like put your back into it a little, right? Sometimes a marriage needs honest conversations, even if people are pissed. Not necessarily a divorce.

But see those decisions should be based on what is possible now and what you you know it

And what you want for your future. That's how you should base that decision making, right? What's possible now, and what do I want for my future? This isn't just solely on what you've already spent and what you've already invested in. If you look at it like that, it'll be really difficult to look at that circumstance and realize: this is slowly killing my soul.

There's a huge difference between honoring your investment and continuing to pay, continuing to pay for something that's no longer working. Imagine this, right? So you go to a restaurant, okay, you order a meal, and it's freaking terrible. It's awful. It's horrible, horrendous. You basically have to ask for salt and pepper and and chili flakes and everything that you can to put together so you can create an actual taste to this.

Awful dreaded meal, right? But see, you keep eating it because you paid $35. Now you're miserable. You're full. And you're angry. And you've somehow convinced yourself that finishing the meal is going to make what the purchase worthwhile?

No. Now you've paid thirty five, forty bucks, whatever, and you've given yourself nausea, indigestion. Congratulations, slow clap.

That's not being financially responsible. That's that's you being committed to suffering.

And some of us are doing the emotional equivalent of that with our lives. We're so focused on making the past worth it that we're not asking whether the future is worth protecting.

So want to ask you something. What are you still paying for simply because you've already paid so much?

Is it a career? Is it an expectation? A version of yourself, maybe? Perhaps a relationship? How about a dream that used to belong to you but doesn't anymore?

Because sometimes the bravest thing you can do isn't to keep push pushing through. I'm just pushing through. Right? Sometimes it's to admit that the direction needs to change.

And just remember, your roots that you've built, they're not handcuffs.

Last week I opened season four with one of my dear friends, Tracy. we've known each other for 23 years. we talked about how we raised our children together. We watched each other navigate marriage and and motherhood and careers, loss, divorce. And now we're both empty nesters and single. Watch out, world. She's hot to try. but

Apparently, we just really like doing things together. So we circled back through the years each time and keep finding each other. But but talking with her reminded me of something that I've been thinking about for a really long time. You know, how easy it is for women, especially, to spend decades building a life around everybody else's needs. Right. And listen, I know this isn't exclusively a woman's experience. Men can absolutely lose themselves as well in responsibility.

So, but I want to speak to women just for a minute here because I know this life. So I can speak to it because I know it, I've lived it, right? You become a mom, a wife, a caregiver, an employee, a business owner, a daughter, a friend. And slowly your your life and your calendar fills up with things that need to get done, right? Doctor's appointments, school, schedules, bills, meals, birthdays, work, deadlines, family obligations.

And you find yourself managing all of it. You're the family project manager. I always say that. I have experience in project management. Of course I do. But the problem is, is nobody hired you. Okay? There's no salary, no paid vacations, right? And somehow you're also responsible for knowing where everyone else's b you know bags and and folders and socks are. And then one day, the kids grow up.

They move out, they leave for college, the house is quiet. And you have this strange moment where you realize, wait one minute. Who am I when nobody needs me to organize their life?

What do I want? What do I enjoy? What would I choose if I wasn't making decisions around everyone else?

Sometimes we don't know. And it's not because we're incapable of knowing or we're lazy or we're like, I don't know, I'm just kind of going through life. It's because we've spent so many years asking a very different question. What does everybody need from me? Instead of what do I need from my life?

And I am treading lightly here. I do. I want to say that, right? Because I wanna say this because raising I know lots of moms are gonna join in with me here because I know for me, raising my three daughters has been without question, hands down, one of the absolute greatest joys and most meaningful experiences of my life, right? If I could go back and relive those years, their cute little fingers and toes and their little voices and their laughter and their mommy.

I need this, mommy, help me. You know, the that even the chaos, the ordinary days that I didn't realize would become some of my most treasured memories. I would do it all over again. See, those weren't years I put my life on hold. Those were years I was living one of the most beautiful chapters of it. So motherhood didn't take away from who I was. It helped shape the woman that I become.

And now as my daughters, as they grow into their own lives, right, I get to discover new parts of mine. And it's not too late.

Here's what I've learned. You can absolutely love the life you've lived and still be excited about the life you haven't lived yet. One beautiful chapter, it just doesn't mean the story is over. That's what I wanted women to hear today, right? Wanting more for yourself doesn't mean you're ungrateful for everything you've already been blessed to experience. It simply means you're still growing. You're still curious, you're still becoming, you're still unfolding.

And there's something really beautiful about that. I don't regret loving people. I don't regret showing up. But I do think there's a difference between giving your life meaning through the people you know you love and forgetting that your life belongs to you too.

You can love your children fiercely and your friends and your partner. Be devoted partner. You can be super successful in your career and still want something that's yours. A dream, a hobby, a new career, a a new business, a trip, a new relationship.

Maybe that's what midlife is really asking us, right? Not not what have you accomplished, but what haven't you allowed yourself to experience yet? Because just because you spent 20 years being one version of yourself doesn't mean the next 20 have to look the exact same.

Here's where I have to include myself in this conversation because it's easy for me to sit back, right? And tell everybody else how to reinvent themselves. go back to school, start the business, right? Take the trip, change your life. I sound like a motivational speaker who had three espresso martinis, right? But really, I've I've actually had to do these things that I'm talking about, right? After my divorce, I had to figure out what the next chapter of my life was going to look like.

And I could have stayed in the version of my life that was familiar. I wanted to. I actually did for way longer than I care to admit, right? I could have decided that I'd already lived the biggest, greatest chapters of my life. Marriage, three daughters, raising my babies, right? Building a family, owning beautiful homes, cars, taking those beautiful, wonderful vacations.

And and now I was supposed to just what? Coast? Right? Take up knitting? Start collecting coins? I don't know. No offense to anybody who knits. I'm sure it's very therapeutic. But I w I wasn't finished. I I wasn't finished and I didn't think that those were my greatest chapters. I wanted more. I wanted to travel. I wanted to learn. I wanted to write. I wanted to build something of my own.

I wanted to create a legacy that I leave behind. And so I started doing those things. I traveled. I went back to school. I started building my business. I was fifty, guys, when I started all of this.

I wrote a book, a couple books. I started this podcast. And I want to tell you something. Reinvention looks a hell of a lot sexier on Instagram than it does in real life. So keep my business card when you start to reinvent. Okay? Because nobody, nobody posts the moments when they're questioning every life decision they've ever made. Nobody posts the bank account anxiety, the loneliness.

The uncertainty, the moments when you're wondering whether you've completely lost your damn mind.

They post the sunset in Bali, not the internal conversation you had with yourself moments before you booked the ticket.

I'm not saying that every decision I've made has been perfect. Very, very, very far from it. But I keep coming back to something. I know for a fact, this is sort of my my mantra right now. I'd rather be a beginner in a life I'm excited about than an expert at living one I've already outgrown.

And again, this doesn't mean you have to change everything. Sometimes you just have to give yourself permission to want something different.

I don't believe our lives are supposed to stop evolving simply because we've reached a certain age. I don't know who the hell decided that there was a certain number that we had to all stop at. Okay, it's time to cut my hair, permit, buzz it around my ears, just so I can just shake and go. No.

If that means I'm going to be figuring things out for the rest of my life? Fine. At least I'll have material for the podcast. I'm like, hey guys, welcome to the Unfolding Podcast. It's season 682. Episode 940. Let's do this. I'm your host and friend, Yvonne Wink.

I'm gonna bring this to a close now. I have no idea what time it is or how long I've been doing this, but I'm having fun, so but I wanted to shift gears just a little bit and and sort of wrap this up. I think there's another kind of time that we take for granted. And this one hits differently. So hear me. The time that we think we'll have with people we love.

We've all lost someone. I lost my mom. And when you've lost a parent or a child, a friend, a part a lover, right? Someone deeply important to you, your relationship with time changes. I know for a fact minded. Because suddenly you understand something you you may have you, I guess you've known intellectually your entire life, right?

There are conversations that you don't get to have later or ever again.

There are ordinary afternoons that turn out to be the last ordinary afternoons. And you usually don't know they're the last ones while you're living them. That's the part that guts me, right? We spend so much time waiting for special occasions, the holidays, the birthdays, the vacations, right? The perfect opportunity. Let's get everybody together. But remember,

So much of life is happening in the ordinary moments, in the phone calls, in the in the you know, random impromptu coffee dates. The stories that we've heard a hundred times, the conversations where absolutely nothing important happens but maybe some belly laughs.

Until one day you'd give anything to have one more.

And I don't say that to make anyone feel guilty, especially people who have lost someone. Because grief already has a way of making us replay every single moment and wonder whether we could have done something differently. I know I'm not alone in this.

I don't think we need more guilt. I think we need more presence, more willingness to say, I love you. I miss you. Can we have lunch? Tell me that story again. And sometimes, hey, I'm sorry.

Because we can spend years waiting for the perfect moment to repair something or to reconnect with someone or express how much someone matters to us. And the perfect moment may never come. So maybe we stop waiting for perfect. Maybe we start appreciating available.

So

So just wanted to leave you with this one too. There

Love people, right? Love people who love you back. Genuinely love love you.

Invest in people that invest in you. Take time. Take a phone call from someone who reaches out to you. Respond via text when someone texts you. Give them that. Yeah, think about it. People you keep meaning to call, call them. Not because something terrible is going to happen tomorrow, but because connection is part of what makes today worth living.

That's another reason that time is so valuable, right? You can't store it up for later. You can only decide what to do with the time that is available to you right here, right now.

I want to I want to give you three questions. So lean in, stop what you're doing. I don't know if you're driving or folding laundry, but come closer. I want I want to I want you to imagine that we're sitting across from each other as we wind down here. And I want you to actually think about these questions and maybe write them down or answer them out loud. Right? Question one.

What's one thing in your life that you keep saying you'll change someday? Not ten things. One thing. One thing in your life that you keep saying you'll change someday. Maybe it's your health, your work, your finances, friendships, relationship with yourself, I don't know. Maybe it's finally pursuing something you've wanted to do for years. Whatever it is, name it.

Because vague dissatisfaction is very easy to live with. Specific dissatisfaction? Whew, that's a different beast. It asks something of us. It forces us to be uncomfortable. So ask yourself this. What is one thing in my life that I keep saying I'll change someday?

Second question. What are you waiting for? Wait for what? As my mama would say. I want you to be really honest here. Are you waiting for more money? More confidence? A beautiful sunshiny day? Are you waiting for someone else's approval?

Or a guarantee? Or are you waiting until making the change no longer feels scary?

Cause as we know, that day may never arrive. Sometimes courage doesn't come before the action. Sometimes courage develops because you've taken the action.

And our final question: what is one thing you can do in the next seven days that moves you in a different direction? Not to transform your life completely, not reinvent your entire personality, not become this brand new human by Thursday. Just small movement in that direction of what you want.

Make the call, research the program, update your resume, book the appointment, have the conversation. Open that travel savings account. Take the walk. Write the first page. And if the change you're considering is a big one, take your time making a really thoughtful plan. There's a difference between being intentional and being impulsive. So you don't have to burn down.

Your life to build something better. Sometimes you just need to stop pretending that you're happy with a direction you no longer want to go. Right? You don't need permission from the version of yourself who was afraid five years ago. You don't need permission from people who are comfortable with you staying exactly as you are, because it's convenient for them.

And all you know what else? You don't need to wait until everyone understands your decisions, right? Because some people won't, they never will. Some people are gonna think you're crazy. Some people will say, At your age? You're doing what? Why would you start all over? You had such a good life, Yvonne. Why?

What if what you want to do doesn't work?

Some people told me, you'll never be able to make it without me. Look at me now. So maybe the question isn't, what if it doesn't work? Challenge yourself. Maybe the question is, what if you never find out?

So I'm leaving you with this. I want you to think about the person you were 10 years ago. Really, really, really think about this person right now. It's you, right? What did they worry about? What did they believe about themselves? What did they think their life would look like?

What were they absolutely certain would never change?

And now look at you. Look at everything you've survived. Everything you've learned. Everything you never thought you'd get through. Every freaking hard day you survived. And all the ways you've changed without even realizing it. You are not the same person. So why are you so convinced that 10 years from now, you have to be the same person you are today?

Ten years from now, you have to be in the same career because well, I don't know, we've been doing this for 25 years, right? Ten years from now, well, I'm just gonna stay with this person because I don't I don't think anyone else will like me. I don't think I'm attractive anymore at 55. I'm not 55, I'm just saying somebody would say this. but why are we so willing to believe in the permanence of our limitations?

But so, so, so reluctant reluctant to believe in the possibility of our growth. Right? Maybe you have regrets. Maybe you wished you'd started sooner. Maybe you wish you'd left earlier. Or you wish you'd stayed longer. Maybe you wish you'd taken the chance, said the words, made the call, taken the trip, did the damn thing. I understand. But here's something I want you to consider.

Regret can teach you something without becoming the place you live.

You can't recover the years that have passed, but you can stop using them as evidence that the years ahead don't matter or that the years ahead can't be your best years, your best chapter.

I want you to think about the man I was telling you about earlier who was convinced that his story was finished. I wish I could show him what might happen if he allowed himself to believe that another chapter was right there. So, so, so possible for him.

Because maybe he doesn't need a completely new li new life. Maybe he just needs to stop treating the life he has as the only life that could ever be.

And maybe that's true for some of you listening today. You don't know exactly where you're going. You don't need to. You don't necessarily need your entire life planned out, right? You don't need a five-year plan. You don't need to have all the answers and have done all the research.

You just need to stop confusing where you've been with where you're required to stay. Because just because you've grown roots somewhere doesn't mean you're required to stay there.

well, I just want to thank you so much for listening to the Unfolding Podcast. Right? You are not required to spend the rest of your life proving that your past decisions were right. You are allowed to make new ones. I am so grateful for everyone listening and tuning in. And if there's one thing I hope you take away from today's episode, it's this.

Your past, it may, it may explain where you are, right? But it doesn't get to make every decision about where you go next. Remember, the rest of your life is still unfolding. I'm your friend Yvonne until next time.

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