"I've got this" was my problem for years: I've got it under control, I'll figure it out on my own. Before my relapse after seven and a half years sober, it was the same voice: I don't need to tell anyone. This won't blow up in my face.

In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about cutting your ego down to size without cutting yourself down, and about keeping the part of your ego you actually need.

We get into:

  • What the ego really is: the part that says "I can handle it," "rules are for other people," and "I'm different," and how it showed up for me at my third treatment center
  • Surrender vs. compliance: being a member, an attender, or a pretender, and why the only thing an alcoholic has to surrender is their judgment
  • Humility vs. humiliation: why "tear them down to build them up" backfires, and a study that found shame, not guilt, predicted relapse in early sobriety
  • Right-sizing: "I'm the worst person in this room" is still ego, just upside down. You're not God, you're not the sheriff of the universe, and you're not garbage either.
  • Why you need some ego to stay sober: the difference between "I've got this" and "I can do this," and building a proof list of hard things you've done sober (David Goggins calls it the cookie jar)
  • How the ego comes back in long-term sobriety. I never relapsed when things got bad. I relapsed when I got cocky.
  • Service as daily right-sizing, and the best high in recovery

The takeaway: you don't want a big ego or no ego. You want one that's the right size, humble enough to ask for help and strong enough to believe you're worth it.

This week: start your proof list. Write down one hard thing you've done sober and DM me what it is on Instagram @recoveringoutloudpod

Shared from lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to a doctor, a treatment provider, or someone in your recovery community.

Research mentioned:

  • Harry Tiebout, "Surrender versus Compliance in Therapy" (1953) and "The Ego Factors in Surrender in Alcoholism"
  • Randles & Tracy (2013), "Nonverbal displays of shame predict relapse and declining health in recovering alcoholics," Clinical Psychological Science
  • Kadden & Litt (2011), "The role of self-efficacy in the treatment of substance use disorders," Addictive Behaviors
  • Research on service, humility and relapse in adolescents in residential treatment
  • "Humility and 12-Step Recovery," Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly (2016)

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