The Tom's Talks Podcast is a place where we speak to a vast array of people from different walks of life and find out what makes them them. We will speak about their unique journey and delve into the highs and the lows which ultimately define them.
This episode discusses suicide, addiction and mental health. If you're struggling, Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123.
"I don't think anybody wants to really die. I think they want the pain to stop."
At 30, Adam Smith was single, overweight, jobless and back living with his mum and dad. He had been the golden boy of a hospitality career, working 80 hour weeks and drinking a bottle of whiskey on a weekend while still turning up to run the bar. Then he was signed off with depression, his partner left, three family members died in the space of a few weeks, and his employer quietly managed him out.
At his best friend's dad's wake he drank eight pints, said goodbye to his parents thinking it was for the last time, and got in the car intending to crash it. He was doing 100 miles an hour looking for a bridge when his phone rang on the dashboard. It was his mum, calling to ask whether he wanted her to drop his wallet round later.
He pulled into a lay by and cried for five hours. He has not had a drink since, and he now coaches founders and CEOs for a living, having worked with over 500 people in six years.
What we get into:
The compound years in hospitality - 80 hour weeks, drinking after shifts, and the Christmas he could only tell what day it was by how busy the bar was
Being signed off with depression, his partner leaving, and three bereavements in a matter of weeks
The wake, the eight pints, and the drive that was meant to be his last
The phone call that interrupted it, and why he puts it down to dumb luck rather than anything divine
Why he believes nobody actually wants to die, they just want the pain to stop
Giving up alcohol - the flat pint in the Lake District, the 30 days that became 60, and the Christmas he realised he did not need it
The honest reason he drank, which was never really about the drink
The moderation maths, and why "everything in moderation" falls apart the moment you count it
What 20 years of studying human behaviour tells him about why people leave cruel comments online
The Drama Triangle - victim, rescuer, persecutor - and what to say to your kid or your partner instead of "don't be so silly"
The question that defuses almost any argument at home: what do you need from me right now?
Adam coaching Tom live on camera through one of his most powerful exercises, and Tom's reaction straight afterwards
"Have you had enough pain yet?" - the question he asks every client, and why change only comes after the answer is yes
Tom has spoken before about losing his brother Liam, and there is a lot here that will land for anyone who has watched someone they love struggle and not known what to say. Adam is unusually clear about what actually helps, and it is rarely what we reach for first.
An honest conversation about rock bottom, suicide, sobriety, men's mental health, grief and the practical psychology of getting unstuck.
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