This episode started with an email from a listener: a man in his twenties whose girlfriend has lived with vaginismus and pelvic pain for years. He wanted to know how to be a good partner to someone going through this.
So this one is for the partners. I talk about what this can feel like from the inside, why she might pull away when you touch her and why that is not a verdict on you, and how the two of you can become a team around this instead of letting it come between you. I go through Natalie Rosen's research on the three ways partners respond, including the surprising finding about which kind of support is linked to more pain rather than less. And I talk about you, because you are in this too and you are allowed to be struggling.
One in four women and people with vulvas experience this. There are real mechanisms behind it, there are treatments, and people do get better.
SPONSORS
Pelva: the HydroSlix liner, a cushioning insert for more comfort during insertion. pelva.com, code TWTC10 for 10% off your first order.
Origin: the largest in-network pelvic floor PT provider in the US, most patients pay under $36 a visit. theoriginway.com/TWTC, code TWTC for your first month of OnTrack free.
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CHAPTERS
00:00:00 Introduction
00:00:36 The Email That Started This Episode
00:01:09 The Partner as the Only Witness
00:01:51 Couples and Vulvodynia, Earlier Episode
00:03:33 One in Four, an Overlooked Reality
00:04:06 Real Mechanisms, Real Treatments
00:05:02 Four Parts; a Note Before We Start
00:07:00 The Sexual Script Both of You Inherit
00:07:49 Sex as Penetration, Foreplay as Warm-Up
00:08:33 Losing Him, Not Being Enough
00:09:50 Why She Hears Something Different
00:10:33 Pain and Desire, the Body's Protection
00:11:54 Rejection, and Fear of Any Touch
00:12:31 The Cycle You Both Get Caught In
00:13:12 Sponsor: Pelva
00:15:04 Sponsor: Origin
00:16:39 Naming It Out Loud
00:18:30 Us Against This, Not Each Other
00:19:43 Holding the Hope on Her Behalf
00:20:19 Being Told Nobody Knows Why
00:21:43 What We Actually Do Know
00:22:35 Seven Rejections, Finding the Eighth
00:24:12 Tool: Penetration off the Pedestal
00:25:43 Intimacy With No Required Destination
00:27:02 Natalie Rosen, Three Partner Responses
00:27:56 Solicitous Support and More Pain
00:28:42 Facilitative Support and Lower Pain
00:29:40 Tool: What to Actually Ask Each Other
00:31:04 Tool: Letting Her Initiate
00:31:40 You Are Allowed to Be Struggling
00:32:58 Your Feelings Are Not Hers to Fix
00:33:30 Facing It Together
00:34:16 Closing Thoughts
