Why do we still feel not good enough, even when we know God loves us? Could perfectionism, people pleasing and constant striving be connected to how we learned to belong? What might change if we no longer felt we had to prove our worth?
In this episode of the Faith Filled Therapy Podcast, Jo Hargreaves is joined by Judy Potts, an Adlerian therapist known as The Social Therapist, to explore our longing to feel equal, secure and good enough.
Judy shares how tying her worth to achievement led to overworking, burnout and depression, and how her own experience of therapy helped her begin to see herself differently. She introduces the Adlerian concept of private logic: the conclusions we draw early in life about ourselves, other people and what we must do to belong.
Together, Jo and Judy explore how Christian faith and psychology can work alongside one another when knowing we are loved does not yet translate into feeling secure. They discuss self-compassion, the hidden cost of striving, and the difference between freely using our strengths and feeling compelled to prove ourselves through them.
From becoming more curious about others to recognising what is ours to carry in relationships, this conversation offers a warm invitation to understand your patterns with compassion and explore a more secure way of belonging.
Key Takeaways
- Our early conclusions can shape how we seek belonging. Judy explains how private logic develops through the meaning we give our experiences. Beliefs that we must achieve, please others or stand out can continue to influence our adult relationships and choices.
- Understanding your patterns creates room for compassion. Jo and Judy invite us to recognise why our protective strategies once made sense. Understanding where they came from can help us approach change with encouragement instead of self-criticism.
- Knowing you are loved and feeling secure can be different experiences. The conversation explores the gap between understanding God’s unconditional love and feeling that truth deeply. Judy describes how therapy can help us examine old beliefs and practise new ways of responding alongside our faith.
- Your strengths do not have to become conditions of worth. Hard work, generosity and a desire to do things well can be valuable gifts. Judy encourages us to notice when freely choosing to use those gifts becomes feeling that we must use them at any cost to be acceptable.
- Counting the cost can help us recognise unhelpful patterns. Jo and Judy reflect on how overcommitting and perfectionism affect both us and the people we love. Asking what a pattern costs, and who pays that cost, can help us make more intentional choices.
- Belonging can grow through curiosity and contribution. Judy introduces social interest, an Adlerian concept concerned with connection, cooperation and care for others. They explore how shifting attention from how we are being perceived towards genuine interest in another person can create space for connection.
- Caring for someone does not mean carrying every reaction. Judy introduces the separation of tasks as a way of considering our own responsibilities and those of other people. She and Jo reflect honestly on the discomfort that can remain after setting a boundary, even when we believe it was needed.
About Judy Potts
Judy Potts is an Adlerian therapist known online as The Social Therapist. Her work explores feelings of inferiority, belonging and the development of a more secure sense of self.
A church leader and mother of two, Judy brings Christian faith, her own experience of therapy and her work with clients into the conversation. She also creates psychoeducational resources, including her online course, Overcoming Inferiority.
Connect with Judy & Resources Links
If you’d like to watch the video version of the podcast, you can watch it on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/vxtLrgBLJqY
For free resources, reflections, and regular encouragement, come join me over on Substack. You’ll also find the option to subscribe to The Faith-Filled Collective; a monthly space for women who are pursuing wholeness and holiness.
You can also find my e-books and webinar links here
Love and hope
Jo
