Welcome to Episode 21, Shades of Pleasure
Four sexologists open up about life, love, and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy.
In this episode, The Crew, Mou, Melissa, Wayne, and Kelly, explore the differences between a "messy list" and veto power.
Have you ever heard the term “messy list”?
A “messy list” is a concept that shows up primarily in polyamorous communities. It refers to a list of people, often family members, coworkers, or close friends, who partners agree to avoid dating because of the potential for excessive drama, complication, or harm to existing support systems.
But here’s where things get nuanced.
If a messy list is about care and safety, what happens when it starts to teeter into control? When boundaries and agreements begin to resemble life rules? What role do our own insecurities play in these moving goalposts? How much of that discomfort is rooted in monogamous conditioning rather than present-day reality?
At what point does a messy list become veto power, when “no” turns into deciding who our partners are allowed to desire or pursue?
In this week’s episode, we explore the nuances of agreements, boundaries, and negotiation, and how those differ from control, rules, or demands.
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