If you never read another book, listen to another podcast, or consume another piece of content about abuse, there is one thing I want you to understand:
If you continue looking at your relationship through an incident-based lens, you will always end up asking the wrong questions. You’ll focus on individual moments — What did he say? What did I say? What happened right before the argument? Could I have handled that differently? Did I contribute to this? each incident, it becomes incredibly easy to conclude that you could have done something differently.
That is exactly why pattern-based thinking is so important.
Instead of examining each incident as though it exists independently, pattern-based thinking asks you to step back and look at what is happening over time. What function does his behavior serve? What does it consistently produce? What happens to you as a result?
The more you analyze individual incidents, the easier it becomes to put yourself on trial. An incident-based lens can leave you endlessly trying to solve individual moments. A pattern-based lens allows you to finally see the system you are living inside.
Write These Questions Down
As you listen, I want you to write these questions down and begin applying them to the interactions you have experienced:
- What is the function?
- What outcome is this producing?
- Why does this work?
- What about this is effective?
- How does this destabilize me?
- What is the sentence designed to do?
- What is the impact on me?
- How does this erode my clarity?
These questions move you away from “What happened in this one argument?” and toward “What is this behavior accomplishing within the larger pattern?”
That shift can change everything.
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