Zach Tidwell enlisted in the Marine Corps wanting to go to war — and missed it. What followed was an affair, a traumatic brain injury, and a depression he refused to talk about, convinced he could just decide his way through it the same way he'd decided his way through infantry training. In March 2019, that ended with a suicide attempt that left him blind and partially deaf.
In this conversation, Zach walks through all of it: the attempt itself, waking up in the hospital, a second wave of depression a year later that he handled differently, a two-and-a-half-year battle with alcoholism, a diagnosis of Huntington's disease, and how he's since built a life that includes jiu-jitsu, competitive marksmanship, a software company, and a memoir.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or reach the Veterans Crisis Line at 988, press 1.
This is Episode 1 of Still Here, a five-part series produced in partnership with Wounded Warrior Project for Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Episode 2 — Lindsey Gray, WWP's Suicide Prevention Manager, on the brain science behind these choices — drops next week.
Chapters:
0:00 Cold open & content warning
1:35 Welcome, and blindness's hidden challenge: no sleep
2:36 Marine infantry life, and deployments that missed the war
5:05 A shared frustration: Scott's own near-miss with combat
7:40 The unraveling: infidelity, a TBI, and refusing to ask for help
13:41 The night of the attempt
16:48 No warning signs, and the gap between decision and execution
19:11 Waking up blind: hospital, hallucinations, and the diagnosis
22:57 Still a marksman: shooting steel at 1,000 yards, blind
25:49 Choosing to stay alive: "it takes a bullet to clear your head"
28:58 The second collapse: depression returns in 2020
32:58 Rebuilding trust with his parents
35:22 Years of turmoil: discrimination, alcoholism, and a Huntington's diagnosis
38:44 Coming back: teaching himself to code, building a business
42:58 Community, isolation, and finding jiu-jitsu
48:52 Family history of suicide and the "gear" mentality
51:13 The warning sign to watch for
52:49 Looking back with empathy
54:41 Living on a clock: what's next
57:38 Closing thoughts
58:19 Next week: breaking down the science
Learn more about Wounded Warrior Project: woundedwarriorproject.org
Hear more from Zach on his own podcast, Going In Blind: https://www.youtube.com/@ZachCTidwell
This episode is brought to you by Grayzone Advisory.
At the Water's Edge is hosted by Scott Kelly. Follow for weekly conversations on national security, geopolitics, and the people who serve.
