What if your family's biggest problem isn't the person acting out — it's the system they're trapped in?

Most people think of mental health as an individual problem. Dr. David J. Van Dyke — professor, marriage and family therapist, and co-host of the With You podcast — thinks that's exactly the wrong frame. In this episode, Dr. Spencer and Ashish sit down with David to unpack how family systems therapy fundamentally reorients the way we see suffering, relationships, and even the gospel itself.

From a rebellious teenager who kept losing possessions until there was nothing left to take, to Paul's language of perseverance in suffering, David draws a sweeping line between relational science and redemptive theology. He argues the entire arc of Scripture — from the intimacy of Eden to the rupture of the Fall to the systemic intervention of the Incarnation — is a relational rupture-and-repair story. And that changes everything about how we do therapy, parenting, church leadership, and discipleship.

If you've ever wondered why "doing everything right" doesn't guarantee good outcomes, why moral failure in a pastor becomes a congregational crisis, or what Phil Jackson and the Book of Job have in common — this conversation is for you.

Key Takeaways

• Systems, not individuals, carry symptoms. Depression, anxiety, and misbehaviour often serve a function within the relational system — not just the person.
• The therapist's real question is "how," not "why." Asking why digs into individual meaning; asking how reveals the relational dance keeping a system stuck.
• The Incarnation as systemic intervention. Christ didn't just save individuals — He changed the rules of the game. Second-order change.
• Resilience grows from optimal frustration, not comfort. Numbing pain also numbs joy. The goal is to come alongside suffering, not remove it.
• Isolation is poison to the human soul. An embodied, safe community is the prerequisite for every hard conversation the church needs to have.
• Love your spouse as an act of worship. Not a transaction. Not what they deserve. As worship — and it rewires the entire relational dynamic.
• Western individualism is a therapy problem too. In Illinois, 1 in 15 licensed mental health providers is a marriage and family therapist. The rest are trained to see individuals. The relational blind spot is systemic.

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To read James's article on this topic, check out his author page on Christianity.com.

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