It’s Saturday afternoon, guests arrive tomorrow, and you’re raking the garden next to a partner who’s pulling weeds like each one personally insulted him. Nobody’s yelling. Nobody has to.
In this Dear Katie episode, I’m answering a letter from a woman married 24 years who loves her husband, knows he loves her, and still feels completely alone. She carries the house, the plans, and the projects. He says yes to everything, and then he disappears into the flight simulator. If you’ve ever felt lonely sitting right next to the person you love, this one is for you, and for the partner on the other side of it too.
Here’s what we cover:
Why lonely doesn’t always mean unloved, and how Dr. John Gottman’s research on bids for connection explains two partners reaching for each other in different languages
The maximizer and minimizer seesaw, plus the one question I use with my own husband when he goes straight to no
What happens when one partner becomes both the leader and the manager of the household, and why dividing ownership works better than asking for help
The irritable yes, what the defer arguing style is telling you, and the difference between relief and repair
How flooding shows up in the body before anyone says a word
You’ll also leave with three things to try this week, starting with one that might surprise you: climbing into your partner’s cockpit (and no, that’s not an innuendo). There’s a silly code word in here too that can rescue your hardest conversations.
My challenge to you this week is to get curious before you get frustrated.
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