There's a mum at pickup you really like. Ninety seconds every afternoon, one of those chats where you both go 'yeah, exactly' — and then the kids spill out, someone's swinging a backpack like a helicopter, someone's demanding the petrol station, and you're pulled away before you can even say goodbye. And every day you get back to the car thinking: I should have her over. We should do a barbecue. I'd love to actually talk to her for more than ninety seconds.
You got her number in January. It's the end of July. And you've made no progress at all. You've probably already filed that as proof you're flaky, cold, a bad friend. This episode is Jane taking that story apart — because the silence between you and someone you genuinely like usually isn't 'I don't want this.' It's 'I want this, but I have no hands to build it with.'
CHAPTERS
00:00 — Nat, the 90-second pickup chat, and the barbecue that never happens
02:29 — Got her number in January. It's July. No progress.
03:57 — 'I'm flaky, I'm cold, I'm a bad friend' — the personality we build around it
05:33 — The executive-function tax on turning a pickup mum into a real friend
06:36 — It's not that you need to try harder. It might be the fuel tank.
07:13 — The mum with the same life who still hosts the perfect Sunday barbecue
08:36 — Good girl conditioning: when friendship becomes your job to carry
10:45 — When you can't stand the silence — and what your brain files it as
12:09 — Why a late-diagnosed brain has had decades to build 'I ruin friendships'
14:31 — The flicker of energy, and the threat analysis that kills the text
15:54 — The heart-react as a hostage 'proof of life' photo
17:35 — Moving to acreage, and quietly deleting myself
18:43 — 'I want this, but I have no hands to build it with'
20:16 — Why 'just put yourself out there' aims you straight at burnout
22:11 — What actually works: the low-fuel, no-apology text
23:42 — Drop the bar. Plug a friend into the worst 40 minutes of your week.
26:28 — Maybe the skill isn't the barbecue. It's letting friendship be uneven.
WHAT WE COVER
The pickup mum you really like, the barbecue you keep meaning to have, and the seven months that have quietly gone by
Why 'I'm flaky, I'm cold, I'm a bad friend' becomes a personality — and what it's actually covering for
The hidden executive-function tax on turning a mum you like into a mum who's actually your friend: remembering, initiating, holding the plan, pushing through the 'what if it's awkward'
Why the friend with the same number of kids and the same Saturday sport still hosts the perfect Sunday barbecue — and why it's not that she's better at friendship
Good girl conditioning, and what happens when you learned early that friendship is your job to carry, keep alive, and never drop
The other version — when you can't stand the silence, and your brain files 'haven't heard from them in ages' as danger
The flicker of energy to send the text, and the threat analysis your brain runs to talk you out of it
The heart-react on her story as a 'hostage proof of life' photo — I'm here, I'm fine, please don't give up on me
Why 'put yourself out there, just make more effort, have them over' is telling you to spend the exact thing you've run out of
What actually works with an empty tank: the low-fuel, no-apology text, dropping the bar, and letting the friendship be uneven and survive anyway
FREE RESOURCES
Energy Accounting Guide — mentioned in the episode — budget your energy for your real capacity, not what you think you should be doing — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-mums-energy-accounting-guide/
Household Family Meeting Template — for the load underneath 'there are no leftovers' — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/adhd-household-family-meeting-template/
PAID RESOURCES
ADHD Mums Shop — https://adhdmums.com.au/shop/
RELATED EPISODES
School Pick-Up Can Be Draining! How to Stop Overthinking & Save Your Social Energy — S2 EP65, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-65-school-pick-up-can-be-draining-how-to-stop-overthinking-save-your-social-energy/
QUICK RESET: I Cancel Plans Because I Don't Have the Energy to Fake My Personality — S3 EP14, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-14-quick-reset-i-cancel-plans-because-i-dont-have-the-energy-to-fake-my-personality/
You Were the Good Girl. That's Why You're Falling Apart Now. — S3 EP35, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-35-you-were-the-good-girl-thats-why-youre-falling-apart-now/
Too Much? Or Just Misunderstood: ADHD, RSD & the Power of Emotional Intensity — S2 EP83, Jane solo — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-83-too-much-or-just-misunderstood-adhd-rsd-the-power-of-emotional-intensity/
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