Most people treat resentment like something to push away or white-knuckle through. But before you can release it, you need to know what you're actually holding — because not all resentment is the same, and the way you work with each type is completely different.
In this episode, we break down six distinct types of resentment, why one of them is actually a loving emotion, why chronic resentment has nothing to do with time, and what the path toward healing actually looks like.
What we cover:
Why resentment is the perception of being treated unfairly — and why that word matters more than you think
The CBT triangle: how your beliefs and perspectives create your feelings, not just the events themselves
Six types of resentment: deflected, relational, protective, displaced, inherited, and self-resentment turned outward
Why protective resentment blocks genuine repair — even when the other person is actually changing
How implicit memory and the nervous system keep old wounds alive in present-day relationships
A three-part framework for what to actually do with resentment once you've identified which type you're holding
TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 — Why releasing resentment without understanding it doesn't work
01:15 — What resentment actually is: perception, not reality
02:25 — CBT and the triangle: how perspectives create feelings
03:20 — The example: I resent my spouse because they don't care about me
05:00 — Resentment vs. anger: why resentment is waiting for something
05:39 — Intro to the six types
06:03 — Type 1: Deflected resentment
09:44 — Type 2: Relational resentment
12:14 — Type 3: Protective resentment
14:45 — Type 4: Displaced resentment
18:00 — Type 5: Inherited resentment
20:00 — Type 6: Self-resentment turned outward
22:40 — The disempowerment cycle and how to get your power back
23:57 — Why chronic resentment has nothing to do with time
24:40 — Implicit memory and the nervous system
27:27 — The cognitive bias underneath resentment
30:33 — What to do: identify the type, find the belief, understand beliefs are workable
35:04 — The Practice
ORDER MY BOOK:Why We Fight is my new book published by HarperOne. The book is a roadmap for understanding the core wound driving your conflict patterns, and how to change them. Available wherever books are sold. 👉 kimpolinder.com/book
JOIN THE PRACTICE: The Practice is my weekly community for doing the real work. It's not surface-level self-awareness, but the actual patterns underneath. Join at kimpolinder.substack.com
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