What I Discussed With Dr Jess O’Reilly
- Why sex toys can help couples adapt to changing bodies, arousal, and sexual needs as they get older.
- How introducing a toy can create novelty and playfulness in a long-term relationship.
- Why a sex toy is a tool for pleasure — not a replacement for intimacy or a partner.
- How smaller, simpler toys can make introducing them into a relationship feel less intimidating.
- Why toys can reduce performance pressure when erections, libido, or orgasm become less predictable.
- How self-pleasure can help women understand what they like and communicate it more clearly.
- Why desire doesn’t always come before arousal, particularly in long-term relationships and later life.
- How shame and embarrassment can stop older adults from talking openly about sex.
- Why conversations about sex don’t need to be perfect to be useful.
- How the Yes/No/Maybe checklist can help couples explore sexual interests together.
Chapters
00:00 Introducing Dr Jess O’Reilly and the conversation about sex toys
01:30 Why sex toys can improve intimacy in long-term relationships
02:34 The importance of novelty as our bodies change with age
04:36 Why some men feel threatened by sex toys
06:20 How toys can reduce performance pressure
07:14 Choosing versatile, accessible toys for different bodies
08:38 How sex toys open up better conversations
09:03 Using toys when erections or sexual performance are unreliable
10:30 Why pleasure matters more than performance
10:51 Choosing toys for different sensations and mobility needs
11:59 Why simple controls can make toys easier to use
13:58 The best couples’ sex toys for beginners
15:21 How air-pulse pleasure feels different from vibration
16:08 Understanding the clitoris and changing sensations
19:45 Why desire can begin after arousal
21:17 Learning to trust your body and your capacity for pleasure
22:47 Why satisfying sex and communication need to come first
24:06 Shame, aging, and the pressure placed on older women
25:20 Why talking about sex can protect long-term relationships
27:59 How to start a conversation about sex toys with your partner
30:52 A simple way to introduce a new toy without pressure
33:45 The Yes/No/Maybe checklist for couples
35:05 Dr Jess introduces the Womanizer Enhance
36:10 Where to find more from Dr Jess and Suzanne
Show Notes
I’ve always been fascinated by sex toys. I was first given one when I was a blogger in the early 2000s, and these days I have boxes of them perhaps more than I really need.
But sex toys aren’t just about novelty or having a large collection. They can be genuinely useful as our bodies change, especially when arousal takes longer, sensitivity shifts, or erections and orgasms become less predictable.
In this episode of Sex Advice for Seniors, I’m joined by Dr Jess O’Reilly, a globally recognised sexologist and relationship expert. Jess has a PhD in human sexuality and has delivered workshops in more than 45 countries.
We talk about how couples can introduce sex toys without making either partner feel inadequate or threatened. We also discuss why starting with something simple can make all the difference, how toys can take the pressure off performance, and why pleasure should be viewed as a shared exploration rather than a test that someone has to pass.
Jess and I also talk about the changing nature of desire. Sometimes we don’t feel spontaneously “in the mood”, but that doesn’t necessarily mean our desire has disappeared. With patience, touch, communication, and the right kind of stimulation, arousal can sometimes come first and desire can follow.
We explore the role of masturbation, shame, sexual communication, and the importance of understanding what feels good in your own body before trying to explain it to someone else.
And if you’re not sure how to bring up the subject of sex toys with your partner, we have a simple suggestion: blame us. Tell them you heard about a product or idea on this podcast and ask what they think.
Key Takeaways
- Sex toys can help couples adapt to changing bodies and sexual responses.
- Introducing a toy does not mean that a partner is inadequate.
- The simplest toy is often the best place to begin.
- Pleasure and connection matter more than sexual performance.
- Desire may develop after arousal, rather than appearing beforehand.
- Self-pleasure can improve communication between partners.
- Talking about sex may feel awkward, but avoiding the conversation can create greater distance and resentment.
About the Guest
Jess O’Reilly is a sexologist & relationship expert (PhD, MSc) who has delivered thousands of workshops in 45+ countries. She’s the author of 5 books, host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast and a regular in media outlets ranging from Oprah Magazine and The Today Show to Playboy and Forbes.
About Suzanne
Suzanne Noble is a sex and relationship expert, author, and host of Sex Advice for Seniors, a podcast for people who want to enjoy sex, intimacy, and connection at every age.
Through her podcast, newsletter, courses, and community, Suzanne challenges the idea that sex has an expiry date and offers honest, practical conversations about sexuality, ageing, relationships, and pleasure.
Connect With Suzanne
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexadviceforseniors
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sexadviceforseniors
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexadviceforseniors
Substack: https://sexadviceforseniors.com
Connect With Dr Jess O’Reilly
Website https://happiercouples.com/
Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sexwithdrjess/
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/sexwithdrjess/
The Sex With Dr Jess Podcast https://happiercouples.com/podcasts/
Want More?
Visit the Website: https://sexadviceforseniors.com — includes FREE guides and resources for better sex at any age.
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Check Out My Storefront for Better Sex: https://zaap.bio/stayfirm
Interested in 1:1 Coaching or Custom Sex Advice for Seniors Sessions? https://tidycal.com/suzannenoble/30-minute-mentoring
Related Episodes
Why Women Are Ashamed of Sex Toys | ft. Dr. Shamyra Howard https://www.sexadviceforseniors.com/p/why-are-women-over-50-ashamed-of
Why Sex Changes After 50 and What Nobody Tells You | ft. Dr. Jenn Kennedy https://www.sexadviceforseniors.com/p/why-sex-changes-after-50-and-what
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