That feeling of I'm not enough can show up in a lot of ways.
In this episode, we're getting curious about what not feeling enough is actually telling you. Sometimes what you're jealous of isn't really the person, their body, their career, or their life. It might be the ease, confidence, connection, pride, or freedom you think they have.
And when we don't stop to figure that out, those feelings can get redirected into something else. For some people, that might mean restriction, bingeing, purging, compulsive exercise, or constantly promising that tomorrow will be the day they finally get it together.
Quotes
"One passing thought or even a variety of passing thoughts isn't a verdict on you."
"This is like an urgency to it, and it's sort of like an urgency with this energy that has nowhere to go."
"Jealousy or comparing or noticing something that you lack, that's all information in the direction that you would like to go, whether it's conscious or not."
"A lot of people pursue restriction in the effort to feel like they have been good or good enough for the day."
"In some senses, purging, fasting, exercise is a way to get rid of the feeling like I'm too much, which ironically is kind of the same thing as not feeling enough."
"The promise to be better and then not following up on it is just sort of another manifestation of chronic insecurity, not feeling good enough."
"The biggest question is what it's actually costing you and whether that cost matches what you say you want."
"Once you name it, you'll notice it's not really about that other person, it's not really about you, and it's not even about not being enough. It's about the thing that you don't have."
"I think that there is a lot of utility in being curious about what is the area in particular that I don't feel good enough, that I feel insecure, because that lets us know where we can actually make movement as opposed to just staying with affirmations stuck to our mirror that might not resonate."
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Why do I always feel like I'm not good enough?
Feeling "not good enough" can show up when you compare yourself to other people, a previous version of yourself, or the expectations you have for your life. The important question is what specifically feels lacking. Getting curious about that can help you identify what you actually want or need instead of simply criticizing yourself.
2. How does low self-esteem affect eating disorders?
Low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy can become connected with eating disorder behaviors. The episode explores how the urge to feel "good enough" can sometimes get redirected into restriction, bingeing, purging, fasting, or compulsive exercise. These behaviors may provide temporary relief from difficult feelings without addressing what is underneath them.
3. Why do I compare myself to other people?
Comparison can sometimes point to something you want or feel you are missing. Instead of stopping at "I wish I were like her," the episode encourages getting specific about what you are actually noticing, such as ease, confidence, connection, pride, or more room to breathe.
4. Can feeling insecure lead to disordered eating?
It can be one way difficult feelings get redirected into eating disorder behaviors. The episode discusses how restriction, bingeing, purging, fasting, and compulsive exercise can sometimes function as ways to manage or escape feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, or being "too much."
5. Why do I feel like I need to change my body to feel good enough?
Sometimes the desire to change your body becomes tied to a deeper belief that reaching a certain size, weight, or appearance will finally make you feel good enough. The episode challenges that connection by asking what you are actually hoping to gain from the change and what pursuing it may be costing you.
6. Is wanting to improve myself a bad thing?
No. The episode makes an important distinction between wanting something different for yourself and becoming consumed by the belief that you have to change in order to be enough. Wanting to improve can provide useful information. The bigger question is whether the cost of pursuing that goal matches what you actually want from your life.
7. How can I stop feeling like I'm not enough?
Rather than immediately trying to silence the thought, start by getting specific. Ask yourself what you believe another person, an earlier version of yourself, or an "ideal" version of you has that you want. It might be ease, connection, confidence, pride, trust, or something else. Once you identify it, you can begin thinking about how to build that thing in your own life.
Resources
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Related Episodes
Episode 211: The 2 Fears Running Your Eating Disorder (And Why They Contradict Each Other)
Episode 198: People Pleasing and Eating Disorders
Episode 105: The Root of Your Emotional Eating
Episode 11: Utilizing Curiosity to Develop Resilience and Eliminate Harmful Comparison with Jennifer Glass, LCSW
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