Divorce grief, people-pleasing, trauma, healing after divorce, and finding your voice—Chel Cartmill shares how to move through loss and rebuild.
What if divorce isn't just the end of a marriage—but the death of an entire life, identity, and future you thought you were going to have?
In this powerful episode of Doing Divorce Different, Lesa sits down with Chel Cartmill, a divorce coach, trauma coach, grief coach, wellness coach, and breathwork facilitator, to talk about the emotional side of divorce, healing from trauma, people-pleasing, and learning to finally use your voice.
Chel shares her deeply personal story of divorce, betrayal, people-pleasing, calling for help, and the shocking experience that followed. Her story ultimately became the foundation for her work helping others navigate divorce, co-parenting, grief, major life transitions, and the process of becoming more fully themselves.
Together, Lesa and Chel explore divorce grief and why divorce can feel so much like a death. You aren't only grieving a relationship—you may also be grieving the life you thought you would have, your identity within the relationship, family expectations, and the future you imagined.
They also dive into the surprising connection between people-pleasing and self-abandonment, including why people-pleasing can actually keep you focused on how others perceive you rather than allowing you to live from your own truth.
Chel explains how understanding your core values can help you make better decisions, recognize what you're saying yes and no to, and stop looking outside yourself to fulfill needs like love, connection, acceptance, and belonging.
If you're navigating divorce, betrayal, grief, people-pleasing, or a major life transition—or you're simply wondering, "Who am I and what do I actually want?"—this conversation offers practical insight, compassion, and hope.
In this episode, you'll learn how to understand divorce grief, move through difficult emotions without judging them, identify your core values, find your voice, and begin creating a life that actually aligns with who you are.
Listen, save, and share this episode with someone who may need the reminder that they are not alone—and that difficult transitions can become opportunities for healing, growth, and transformation.
Timestamps:
(00:00) Introduction to Chel Cartmill and her book Spider On My Neck
(XX) Chel's early desire to help people and her journey into coaching
(XX) Marriage, people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, and searching for answers
(XX) Chel's divorce story, calling for help, and the experience that changed everything
(XX) Finding your voice and learning to prioritize yourself
(XX) Turning trauma into a mission to help others
(XX) Why difficult life transitions can become opportunities for growth
(XX) The connection between divorce and grief
(XX) Why divorce can feel like a death
(XX) Understanding ambiguous loss and grieving the life you thought you'd have
(XX) How to move through the stages of grief without judging your emotions
(XX) People-pleasing: what it is really costing you
(XX) Why Chel calls people-pleasing "the most selfish thing you can do"
(XX) Finding the fear underneath people-pleasing
(XX) Core values and making decisions that align with who you are
(XX) Learning to fill your own emotional "bucket"
(XX) Chel's values exercise and how to use it
(XX) Final thoughts on healing, grief, and moving forward
Key Takeaways:
- Divorce is a form of grief. You're not only grieving the relationship; you're grieving an identity, a lifestyle, and a future you believed you were going to have.
- People-pleasing can disconnect you from your own truth. Becoming aware of what you're saying yes to—and what you're saying no to for yourself—is an important step toward finding your voice.
- Your core values can become your compass. Knowing what truly matters to you helps you make decisions that align with the person you want to be.
- Grief doesn't follow a predictable timeline. Emotions can come in waves, and you may move between different feelings and stages rather than progressing in a straight line.
- Healing means allowing your emotions without judging them. Learning to notice, feel, and move through emotions can help you process loss in a healthier way.
Guest Bio:
Chel Cartmill is a divorce coach, trauma coach, wellness coach, grief coach, and breathwork facilitator who has spent nearly two decades helping people navigate divorce, grief, trauma, major life transitions, and feeling stuck.
After experiencing her own traumatic divorce in 2006, Chel became a certified coach in 2007 and went on to develop a body of work focused on helping people find their voice, regulate their emotions, understand their values, and create a life that feels aligned and authentic.
Chel is also the author of Spider On My Neck, a memoir based on her own extraordinary divorce experience and the healing journey that followed. She wrote the book not simply to tell her story, but to help readers recognize that they are not alone in what they're experiencing.
Resource Links:
OsteoStrong Affiliate Referral:
https://osteostrongmn.com/affiliate-referral-koski/
Soberlink – Divorce & Family Law:
https://www.soberlink.com/divorce/family-law?utm_source=affiliatelink&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=lesa-koski-affiliatelink
Chel Cartmill's Book: Spider On My Neck
https://spideronmyneck.com/
Core Values Worksheet:
https://www.chelcartmill.com/values
Tags/Keywords:
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