Closure often feels like it should be the goal when we're dealing with grief or going through a tough time. But what if closure is actually a myth and the pressure to "get over it," "fix it," or emerge as a better version of ourselves is doing more harm than good? In this episode, we dig into the myth of closure: the mistaken belief that complex losses and life problems should be processed into some kind of clean, final resolution. We explore why closure is appealing but often not possible, what Carl Jung and Pauline Boss say about insoluble problems and ambiguous loss, and what it actually means to find healing and growth without closure.
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Full transcript here
Questions this episode was made for:
Q: Is closure real? Can you ever really "get over" a significant loss?
A: This episode explores why closure is more myth than reality for life's most significant losses, and why that's not a failure. Carl Jung argued that the most important problems in life are insoluble: they can't be solved, only outgrown; and Pauline Boss's work on ambiguous loss shows that some losses, by nature, never come to a clear resolution. And that's okay.
Q: What should I reach for instead of closure after a loss?
A: This episode discusses approaches like "continuing bonds," the idea that maintaining an evolving inner connection with what or who we've lost can be healthy and adaptive. The goal then is not closure but growth around the loss, holding both the love and the pain.
Key moments:
[00:00] The myth of closure
[02:00] The myth of closure and perfection
[04:00] How Kubler-Ross's stages of grief got distorted and Freud's decathexis
[08:00] A drive for closure can lead us to avoid what is true
[10:00] Carl Jung on insoluble problems
[12:00] Holding opposites: making the best decision possible without actually solving the problem
[14:00] The difference between closure and completion
[16:00] The first law of thermodynamics applies to grief too
[18:00] Continuing bonds theory (Klass, Silverman, Nickman)
[20:00] Internalized vs. externalized bonds
[22:00] Example with Alzheimer's diagnosis, the relentless nature of grief without closure
[24:00] Pauline Boss and ambiguous loss:
[26:00] Both/and thinking
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