The innovation proposed here is to think of empathy, like so many things these days, as existing on a spectrum between empathy as “empathic listening” and empathy as “tough love.”
A rigorous and critical empathy includes both options, which maps to the difference between “soft empathy” and “hard empathy,” and a sliding scale of possibilities in-between.
Soft empathy does not work (or at least does not work well) with bullies or a short list of difficult individuals including psychopaths and the criminally insane. How does hard empathy apply? If a bully is attempting to bully you, the empathic response is “de-escalation.” That includes saying something like “This does not work for me” and leaving, departing, escaping. However, suppose the person is the boss or a romantic partner who is throwing a temper tantrum. The best response may still be de-escalation: “I declare a breakdown in communication and am taking a ten minute [or one hour or one day] time out.” Ultimately the solution may require updating one’s resume or finding a calmer partner, but we are talking here about dealing with the moment of crisis and upset.
Taking a step back, what if walking away is not workable? Then the empathic response consists in several further steps restore or sustain safety and get back your power to de-escalate empathically - which are covered in detail in the podCast. Check 'em out! Not to be missed!
Image Credit: Lou Gossett Jr as Drill Sargent Emil Foley, with acknowledgement to Paramount Pictures and Screen Daley
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