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You have a really good weekend. You talk, you laugh, and it feels like the old days. Then Monday comes, they go quiet again, and you’re right back where you started. You can’t tell anymore if this is just a hard stretch or if it’s really over.
I hear some version of this every single week: How long am I supposed to wait? And right behind it is the harder question. Is this just a rough patch, or is my relationship actually ending? We call it the land of maybe. You’re not in, you’re not out, and it’s wearing you down.
In this episode, I share something I’ve barely talked about on the podcast: my second marriage. When I was scared of losing it, I pushed. I pushed hard. Years later, when Tom told me he needed some space, I caught myself about to do the very same thing.
Here’s what I learned the hard way. If someone stays because you pushed them, guilted them or made them feel like they owed you, you don’t really get them back. You get someone who’s just going through the motions. I lived that, and I saw it over and over in my years as a divorce mediator.
We also talk about three things almost all of us do while we wait:
- sending the long text at night
- putting our whole life on hold
- searching for answers everywhere (ChatGPT, every relationship podcast, even checking their location)
It all feels like fighting for the relationship. We talk about why it so often pushes them further away. Brooke also brings up something a lot of us skip over when our partner’s mistakes were bigger than ours.
Just so we’re clear: I’m not saying you’re the problem, and I’m not saying you should be the only one trying. Next week, I’ll share what I did instead when Tom needed space.
You own your part.
You don’t own theirs.
Resources
Better Love Quiz: Not sure if it’s a rough patch or something more? It’s 22 questions, takes about 5 minutes, and it’s free and private.
→ https://www.betterlovequiz.com/
Episode 155: More on the pattern where one person chases and the other pulls away.
→ https://stacibartley.com/space-or-chase-mastering-relationship-dynamics-when-love-needs-breathing-room/
Episode 91: The story of my first marriage.
→ https://stacibartley.com/pregnant-mormon-at-17-in-salt-lake-city-my-journey-to-true-love-relationships/
Love isn’t enough, but skills are.
Timestamps:
02:54 Land Of Maybe
05:38 Second Marriage Pressure
09:34 Bleeding Out Back
13:52 What Was Mine
15:14 Separation And Growth
18:56 Tom Needs Space
21:55 Pause And Choose
25:25 Reclaiming Lost Parts
25:39 Owning Your Role After Betrayal
28:46 Lessons From Divorce Mediation
31:06 Reverse Engineering Relationship Skills
32:08 Building Love Without Marriage
33:05 Obligation Versus Permission
37:25 Three Relationship Saving Traps
38:02 Pressure Play Runner Chaser
39:37 Frozen Wait Putting Life On Hold
41:46 Search Spiral And Certainty Seeking
43:47 Own Your Part Not Theirs
45:24 How To Relax In The Spiral
Okay, but is my relationship actually in trouble? If you’ve ever wondered that, Is My Marriage Dead? is for you. It won’t tell you to stay or leave. It will help you figure out what you’re actually looking at, what real repair requires, and what to do when the most honest answer you have right now is I don’t know.
$9 digital guide. Start reading today.
