In this episode of Rewrite the Mother Code, I’m joined by Cari Fund, writer, podcast host, mother, and author of Autopsy of a Good Girl. Through humor, honesty, and deeply personal stories, Cari explores what it means to be a “good girl,” how that identity is often shaped by childhood conditioning, and what happens when the roles we learned to play no longer serve us.
Cari shares how people-pleasing, perfectionism, and constantly reading the emotions of others became ways to navigate a difficult childhood. She reflects on the coping mechanisms that followed, including body image struggles, bulimia, alcohol, and workaholism, as well as the childhood diary that helped her recognize how much she had learned to hide her true feelings. We also explore three pivotal moments in her life: choosing to stay with her father at 14, becoming estranged from her mother at 31, and becoming a mother at 36. Each brought its own lessons about boundaries, identity, and the patterns we carry into our relationships.
Together, we discuss the grief that can come with recognizing what we didn’t receive as children, the complicated process of setting boundaries with family, and the work of breaking generational cycles as parents. Cari shares what she wants her children to know about self-worth, why we don’t need to feel ashamed of the ways we learned to survive, and how sitting in silence, journaling, and listening to our intuition can help us reconnect with ourselves. Her story is a reminder that healing isn’t about becoming someone new to please others; it’s about meeting ourselves more honestly and choosing how we want to live and love.
You’ll also hear about:
- (04:07) What being a “good girl” really means, and how shame, silence, and labels can shape our identity.
- (07:10) How people-pleasing, perfectionism, and shapeshifting can become childhood survival strategies.
- (08:01) The coping mechanisms Cari developed, including body image struggles, bulimia, alcohol, and workaholism.
- (12:20) Learning to keep family secrets and the impact of being told what a good daughter should be.
- (16:09) Finding a childhood diary and recognizing the difference between the story she told about her family and what she really felt.
- (19:34) Three pivotal moments: choosing to stay with her father at 14, becoming estranged from her mother at 31, and becoming a mother at 36.
- (28:32) The grief of acknowledging what was missing in childhood, setting boundaries, and navigating estrangement without treating it as a one-size-fits-all answer.
- (37:42) What Cari wants her children to understand about self-worth, love, and not having to earn their value through achievement.
- (40:16) Simple ways to begin questioning the identity we’ve inherited, including silence, journaling, and honest self-reflection.
- (42:53) Why we don’t need to add shame to the coping mechanisms that helped us survive.
- (43:24) What becomes possible when the “good girl” identity falls away and we begin to meet ourselves with confidence, love, and respect.
- (46:40) Self-mothering, honoring our journey, and learning to trust our intuition.
Don't miss this powerful conversation about breaking free from inherited expectations, reclaiming your voice, and choosing a more authentic way of living and loving.
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