John Taylor and Tami explore the importance of engaging executive functioning in relationship repair and recovery. John offers several questions that partners can ask to jump-start engagement in rebuilding trust. They then answer participant questions about transactional relationships, realistic expectations for change after 25 years of betrayal, and the reality of building a relationship with someone who is selfish. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:10] Why your brain stops working after D-day. 

[4:30] Hypervigilance is your brain trying to keep you safe. 

[6:45] Questions to ask that engage the frontal lobe. 

[7:30] What are we doing here? 

[13:58] What are our priorities? 

[17:35] What roles and responsibilities do we need to step into? 

[21:37] What am I personally doing to align with these priorities? 

[25:45] Have I considered my partner in my actions? 

[29:44] Effectively reducing tension in a partnership.

[33:26] Do you really want it to go back to how it was before? 

[34:40] Can we stay together in a low-level transactional companionship? 

[38:05] What if we don't have a shared value system? 

[41:57] Is it possible for him to be functional when he's never made lasting changes? 

[46:38] Is there really no relationship with someone who is selfish? 

[54:02] How important are postnuptual agreements? 

 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

 

QUOTES

  • "Things getting calm doesn't switch how the brain functions." 

  • "'Fair' means the person who has been betrayed gets to take their time to deliberate and think about terms for continuance."

  • "Vengeance is not restitution or repair." 

  • "We have to coax our executive functioning into existence again when it's been compromised." 

  • "We have to believe what people show us more than what they tell us." 

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