(Episode 348) A betrayed partner who has a history of neglect, abuse, people-pleasing, or self-abandonment may find it especially difficult to identify and defend her own wants, needs, and boundaries after betrayal. She may feel compelled to logically justify every boundary, educate her addict partner about betrayal trauma, remind him to work recovery, and provide affection even when she does not genuinely feel safe or connected. But recovery requires a healthier division of responsibility. While the betrayed partner should communicate her unique experience and tell her partner what creates or destroys safety for her, she should not have to become his teacher, therapist, recovery coach, or primary source of motivation.
For the addict, lasting recovery must progressively shift from being partner-driven to internally motivated. Fear of divorce, consequences, or a partner’s anger may initially bring someone into recovery, but those external pressures are rarely enough to sustain long-term change. The recovering addict needs to develop his own reasons for becoming honest, emotionally mature, empathetic, and sexually healthy. Part of that responsibility includes proactively educating himself about betrayal trauma, integrity abuse, deception, relational safety, and the impact his behaviors have had on his partner. A betrayed partner can certainly share resources or explain what resonates with her, but inviting him to learn is very different from carrying responsibility for whether he actually learns and changes.
This same principle applies to boundaries, affection, and sexuality. A betrayed partner does not need an airtight argument before she is allowed to say that something feels unsafe, nor is she obligated to provide physical affection simply because her partner wants it. If affection feels like self-betrayal, slowing down may actually benefit both partners by allowing the betrayed partner to reconnect with her authentic self and giving the addict an opportunity to examine whether his desire for affection is rooted in healthy connection or unhealthy codependency, reassurance-seeking, entitlement, or emotional regulation. Ultimately, healing becomes possible when each person takes ownership of what belongs to them: the betrayed partner discovers and expresses her authentic voice, boundaries, wants, and needs, while the addict takes responsibility for his recovery, education, empathy, and growth.
For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: Is it My Job to Educate My Addict Partner about My Betrayal Trauma & My Boundaries?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com
Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services
