Pinocchio: Unstrung, Eegah, Trog, and Teenage Cave Man

We’re back with four movies and a short this week. We’ll start off with the latest in the Twisted Childhood Universe, “Pinocchio: Unstrung,” recently released. Then we’ll go way back in time with three horrible caveman films: “Eegah” (1962), “Trog” (1970), and “Teenage Cave Man” (1958). UGH! OOG!

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Mainstream Films:

2026 Pinocchio: Unstrung

* Directed by: Rhys Frake-Waterfield

* Written by: Rhys Frake-Waterfield

* Stars: Jude Evan Lloyd, Richard Brake, Robert Englund

* Run Time: 1 Hour, 22 Minutes

* Trailer:

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

It’s a modern telling of Pinocchio, created by Geppetto as a companion for his grandson, and his wholesome journey to becoming a real boy. Actually it’s brutal and violent.

The practical effects were impressive - the closing credits show a series of behind the scenes clips.

We’re both in agreement that the series is getting better as they go along. This was quite good.

Spoilery Synopsis

We hear about the narrator’s grandson James, who came to live with him. Then James’s best friend died. The old man made something for James that would never die… Pinocchio…

James and Geppetto talk about death and life. Geppetto then coughs, which in movie tropes, means he’s dying. That night, James chases something small throughout the house. Turns out, it’s Pinocchio, who lives in a creepy-looking hole in the basement wall. That is one creepy doll.

Geppetto insists that Pinocchio’s existence remain a secret, so he can’t go to school with James. Instead, Pinocchio talks to his “wood mother,” made of the same wood as him. She tells him to take human flesh and wear it.

The next day, Pinocchio does go to school with James, pretending to be a doll. Pinocchio watches a really fun chain of accidents that would make “Final Destination” proud (this is why I don’t go to the gym). When the bullies come for James, Pinocchio observes. When Dudley and Mia see the doll move, James says it’s an “AI Thing.” When James goes to the dentist, Pinocchio observes.

There’s a traffic accident on the way home, and Pinocchio goes to the hospital with him. “Best friends protect each other,” he says as he leaves. He tracks down the drunk driver in a nearby room and gets his somewhat excessive revenge. He takes some of the man’s organs to make himself more real.

The wood mother is thrilled to hear that Pinocchio has killed someone, so now things are just beginning. She sends an evil-looking cricket to assist him.

Meanwhile, Mia finds some home movies and watches them. In the film, Geppetto talks about cheating death and what he’s done. The first experiment went really badly.

Pinocchio and the cricket go after the dentist next. He gets his dentribution on her. After that, there’s a trio of bullies that don’t live long.

Geppetto realizes that Pinocchio is gone, and James and his friends are gone as well.

With teeth, eyes, hair, lips, and some organs, Pinocchio sits in front of a mirror and pretties himself up. Geppetto shows up and drives Pinocchio home. Pinocchio realizes that the wood mother has tricked him. He smashes both her and the cricket with a hammer.

Geppetto shows Pinocchio where he was created, and it’s really something. There’s a special magic tree that makes magical wood. Pinocchio was supposed to be the reincarnation of James’s dead friend, Zach. He plans to kill Pinocchio and end the experiment. Instead, Geppetto shoots the annoying friend, Dudley.

Pinocchio gets the drop on Geppetto with the shotgun, and the doll shoots his maker. He mostly misses and releases the really bad wood creature that was in a cage behind him. The house burns down, and James, Mia, and Pinocchio get out. “I’m gonna need a new dentist,” jokes James. And a couple quick wrap ups make us think it isn’t really all over.

Brian’s Commentary

The 5th film from The Twisted Childhood Universe after “Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey” (2023), “Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey 2” (2024), “Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare” (2025) and “Bambi: The Reckoning” (2025).

Kevin’s Commentary

They earned the R rating through the gore, which is excessive and realistic looking. Though also a little tedious.

Somehow this managed to be both unexpected and predictable at the same time. Yes, it was a twist that Geppetto was evil, but would anyone expect Richard Brake to be playing a benign good guy? Though I do think it was an improvement over the previous Twisted Childhood Universe tales. They are getting better at them.

1962 Eegah

* Directed by: Arch Hall Sr.

* Written by: Bob Wehling, Arch Hall Sr.

* Stars: Arch Hall Jr., Marilyn Manning, Richard Kiel

* Run Time: 1 Hour, 32 Minutes

* Watch it:

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

Two teens encounter a prehistoric giant in the desert. The poster makes it look way more exciting than it actually is. It’s often included in worst movies ever made lists, and it probably belongs there. The pacing is clunky, the dubbing is bad, there isn’t a lot to the script, and the acting is questionable. It’s watchable and somewhat interesting, but not one to really recommend.

Spoilery Synopsis

Roxy leaves the store and stops to talk to the guy at the gas station. On the road to the lake, she almost runs over a caveman. Tom interrupts the proceedings before the giant man carries her away, but he doesn’t see anything. When they tell their fathers, the old men don’t believe them.

In the morning, they find giant footprints in the dirt. Mr. Miller, Roxy’s father, wants to visit the nearby mountains and maybe write an adventure book about the big caveman. Miller takes a helicopter up to the mountain to spend the night. Miller soon encounters the caveman.

Meanwhile, at the pool, Tom plays his guitar on a huge amplifier, which probably annoys people for at least a square mile. Roxy gets a call that the helicopter set to meet her father can’t show up for the rendezvous, so she and Tom head out there to pick him up– in a dune buggy. We get lots of gratuitous “Wheee!” in the dune buggy. Night falls, which leads to a campout, and another song from Tom (where are the backup singers coming from?).

Out in the desert, the caveman hears the music and hones in on them. He sneaks into camp and eats their food while they sleep. He runs off when Tom’s faulty radio starts playing.

The next morning, the two continue the search for Mr. Miller. The caveman grabs Roxy while Tom is off in the hills. Roxy wakes up in the creature’s cave next to her father, who is still alive. The caveman sniffs her all over; he likes her perfume. The cave is also occupied by the caveman’s mummified dead relatives.

Miller calls the creature “Eegah,” and Roxy whines about the cave (I’m whining about the pacing and acting at this point). Later, Eegah goes out for a dead rabbit and some flowers for Roxy. Roxy shaves the caveman, which is badly needed. Afterwards, Eegah’s got one thing on his mind, but Roxy ain’t having that.

Rocy lures Eegah outside, but Tom is out there as well, and he fights the big man. The three jump into the dune buggy and ride off with the caveman in pursuit. As they drive away, Roxy looks at the big man longingly. Eegah goes back to his cave and tells his troubles to the mummies.

Eegah leaves the cave and goes looking for Roxy and her car. He uses his bloodhound powers to follow her with his nose– right to town. Miller and Roy talk about Eegah, and they decide to keep the whole thing a secret so that people won’t hunt down and kill the caveman. They head to a party with Tom, and Eegah causes mayhem looking for Roxy. The police get a call “Large man or giant on the loose.”

Meanwhile, Tom’s doing more singing at the party. Roxy tells Miller that she’s worried about Eegah. “Something’s happened to him.” Then she proceeds to dance with Tom and another guy from the band who wants to fight. Eegah shows up at the party, and everyone sees him. He grabs Roxy and carries her off.

The police shoot Eegah repeatedly, and he dies. Everyone is sad, especially Roxy.

Brian’s Commentary

Richard Kiel got all the “big man” roles in the 60s and 70s.

This feels like an hourlong TV show stretched into a movie. It’s got lots of unnecessary filler scenes, and it’s downright boring at times.

Yawn.

Kevin’s Commentary

It’s strange, I had a used copy on DVD about 15 years ago that was in black and white. This was in color, and I don’t see any mention of it online or in trivia about it having two versions.

Trivia says much of the sound was accidentally destroyed, which is why it’s (badly) dubbed. It’s impressive how Tom starts to sing with his guitar around the campfire, and there’s drums, bass guitar, and backup singers who join in.

Richard Kiel certainly was a big feller. 7 foot 2. With a very fake looking beard here.

I was slightly entertained, but it’s really pretty bad overall. My biggest complaint is the clunky pacing and too many filler scenes.

2026 Short Horror: Unprompted

* Directed by: Stephen Packer

* Written by: Stephen Packer

* Stars: William Lonsdale, Bryan Cooper, Libby Kay

* Run Time: 6:16

* See it here:

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

Mason is struggling to get started on an idea for a horror screenplay. Even a writing sprint with a classmate on the phone hasn’t helped. Reluctantly with guilt, he asks an AI assistant to help him with writing. Unfortunately, the prompt is so vague that it gives the AI unlimited leeway to create something. And does it ever!

Spoilery Synopsis

The lesson here is don’t just let your AI just go off on its own to create things. It’s quick and effective, poking fun while still being deadly serious at the same time. The effects, acting, and direction are all excellent. Maybe a little too short, but it was entertaining.

1970 Trog

* Directed by: Freddie Francis

* Written by: Aben Kandel, Peter Bryan, John Gilling

* Stars: Joan Crawford, Michael Gough, Bernard Kay

* Run Time: 1 Hour, 33 Minutes

* Trailer:

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

Cave explorers find a surviving primitive man in a cave, and a scientist takes the lead trying to study and help him. There’s plenty of pandemonium when he surfaces, but smart and capable Joan Crawford does a pretty good job of handling things. Until there’s more pandemonium when local rabble rousers cause trouble. It’s on the campy side, but it’s not awful and we both kind of enjoyed it.

Spoilery Synopsis

A group of spelunkers walk through a field to a cave. They drop their ropes into a deep pit and go down. They explore the cave system until one of them finds an underground stream. This leads them to a cave system where no one has ever been before. Suddenly, there’s a caveman attack! One of the cavers, Cliff, rushes in to find his friend Bill beaten to death.

Inspector Greenham goes to see Dr. Brockton, a doctor treating the traumatized surviving spelunkers. Cliff is in shock, but what he describes in the caves intrigues her. Malcolm, the third caver, explains to the Inspector what happened. Dr. Brockton wants Malcolm to be her new assistant.

Brockton wants to go back into the cave and see the creature. Just the two of them go back and explore the cave some more. They aren’t attacked, but she gets a really clear photo of the creature. She calls it a Trog, a troglodyte, half-man, half-ape.

Soon, there are newspeople, police, firetrucks, and crowds of spectators as everyone comes to the cave. Sam Murdoch, a local troublemaker, calls it all a hoax and nonsense. They all watch on TV as the trog attacks a camera crew. It comes out of the cave and is mesmerized by the sun. Brockton shoots it with a tranquilizer dart.

Later, Trog wakes up in a big cage in Brockton’s lab. He eats raw fish and lizards. Brockton’s daughter, Ann, likes to feed him. Sam goes on and on about the dangerous monster; it’s hurting business. She argues that it’s the “missing link.” Brockton theorizes that Trog was frozen solid in ice until just recently.

Brockton starts “taming” the trog. She’s nice to it, and he’s nice back to her. It likes classical music, but not rock.

Sam continues to raise more rabble. He works to enlist Dr. Selbourne, one of the other scientists, in his plan.

The scientists take Trog outside to play ball, but a dog gets involved, and that goes badly. There’s a court of inquiry by the locals, who want Trog killed as a wild animal. Everyone tells their side of the story, and Brockton fires Selbourne.

Brockton enlists a bunch of other scientists and surgeons, and soon, they’re operating on the mysterious caveman. They implant an electronic tracking device into him. They do a second operation, and this one will allow Trog to talk. Trog has a memory of stop-motion dinosaurs fighting and volcanic eruptions.

Sam, unwilling to let this all continue, breaks into the lab one night and wrecks the place. He then opens the cage and is killed by Trog; he totally had it coming. Trog runs away into the woods.

Trog soon arrives in the small town, which is pretty deserted in the morning. Not completely deserted, as he kills a couple of shopkeepers. He comes to a playground and steals a little girl who looks like his favorite doll. He carries the girl back to his cave.

The local police bring in the military to deal with the caves. Brockton argues with them and then goes into the caves alone to defuse the situation. Trog gives the child to the doctor and then goes back into the cave. When she comes out, the army blows up the cave and shoots Trog, who dies.

Brian’s Commentary

This takes place in the “modern” 1970s. Were British people really that close minded and provincial back then? I doubt it. There’s not really any motive behind Sam’s unreasonable hatred for the monster other than a vague mention of a land deal.

The Trog costume was a leftover from “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

This was Joan Crawford’s final film role, and one she later said was the worst film she’d ever done. It wasn’t that bad.

Kevin’s Commentary

I may have seen this when it came out, I barely remembered it as it was going along.

Trivia says Trog’s prosthetic is recycled from the opening scene of “2001: A Space Odyssey.” And it looks rubbery but pretty decent.

It was refreshing to see Joan Crawford playing a character who isn’t crazy, mean, evil or all three. I haven’t seen that very much from her. It was her last film role here. And she later said it was the worst movie she ever made. I wouldn’t call it the worst movie I’ve ever seen. It’s bad, but it’s a good bad, and I thought it was entertaining fun.

1958 Teenage Cave Man

* Directed by Roger Corman

* Written by R. Wright Campbell

* Stars Robert Vaughn, Darah Marshall, Leslie Bradley

* Run Time: 1 Hour, 5 Minutes

* Trailer:

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

Even young Robert Vaughn couldn’t save this movie. And he’s reported as saying it’s the worst film ever made. Years later, Roger Corman would be quoted as saying, “I never directed a film called ‘Teenage Cave Man.’ We don’t quite agree with Vaughn, but it’s not a good one.

Synopsis

We get Biblical quotes about the creation of the Earth. “And then there came… man!” Credits roll.

We see cavemen returning from a hunt across the mountainside. “Where’s the boy?” Asks the Symbol Maker, who goes off looking for his son. His son has gone somewhere that is forbidden because the son has “progressive” ideas. He doesn’t want to hunt in this dead land but instead wants to go to the lush, forbidden land. His father warns that there are terrible creatures there; it’s all very dangerous. There is also “a god that gives death with its touch!” They head back to the group.

The Symbol Maker’s son likes the Blonde Maiden. They worship fire, the wheel, and the way things belong. It is the law. The Black-Bearded One tries to tempt the son to do things that are against the law; he just might have an ulterior motive. The Symbol Maker is in charge of keeping the records— cave paintings.

The next day, all the men go out hunting, and the Symbol Maker is mauled by a bear. The Fire Maker tries to sew him up. The Bearded One goes right to work on the son, talking him into going into the forbidden land for better hunting.

The Symbol Maker’s son tries to talk his young friends into going to the forbidden land with him. Four of them set out the next morning. A dinosaur spots them and starts to pursue them but gets distracted by another big lizard. One guy gets sucked down into quicksand and dies, so two of the others turn back and go home. Only the son of the Symbol Maker continues on.

Then the, uh, ”monster” shows up, whatever the heck that was. The son runs away, but runs into a tree and knocks himself out.

Back home, the Symbol Maker wakes up and wants to know where his son has gone. His wife explains, and he’s not happy. The Bearded One starts rabble-rousing. The Symbol Maker swears he will find his son and bring him back.

The son wakes up and “discovers/invents” a bow and arrow, all by himself. He kills a deer and the local wild dogs attack. His father arrives just in time to help fight them off. They go back to town for trial. The people decide to shun the son instead of killing him, which enrages the Bearded One, who attacks the son but fails to kill him.

The Blonde Maiden is impressed with the son’s fighting skills, so he plays a tune on his pipes while she bathes in the waterfall. She decides to break the rules and talk to him– genders aren’t supposed to speak directly to each other unless they are married, and then only in private. He talks about going back to the forbidden place again for another attempt.

A man rides up on a horse, which is something new for the tribe. They think the man and the horse are one animal. They knock the man off the horse, and the son insists that they can learn from the new man. The Bearded One kills the innocent, wounded man.

The Symbol Maker wants to change the law, but the Bearded One argues that the old ways are best. The stranger’s existence proves that people can survive in the forbidden land. The Fire Maker is in charge, and he upholds the status quo— stay out of the forbidden land.

The son finally hits the age of manhood, and when asked, says he will hold to the word and to the law. The monster skulks around just out of sight. The son warns the Bearded One that a fight is coming. The Blonde Maiden wants them to run away together and find a cave all their own someday. They spend time at “the sleeping place” together that night. The son swears he will go out and kill the monster.

The son goes off into the forbidden land again, and once again, the Bearded One condemns him. This time, he convinces the people to kill both the son and the Symbol Maker. Everyone heads to the forbidden zone, breaking the law to keep the son from breaking the law.

They soon encounter the monster, which stands up just as wild dogs attack the tribe from behind. The son approaches the monster to communicate as the Bearded One drops a rock on it. The son kills the Bearded One with his bow. The monster turns out to be a man in a mask.

The son searches the dead man’s body and finds a book with pictures inside. Apparently, this all takes place in a post-apocalyptic future world, not the distant past (dinosaurs and all).

The Symbol Maker says from here, the tribe will spread out and try to find other human tribes. We get a voiceover that explains the man was wearing a radiation suit after the atomic holocaust.

Brian’s commentary

The first fifteen minutes is mostly exposition and talk about the laws and the caveman’s society. There’s nothing there that we don’t need to know, but it’s awfully talky.

The dinosaur fight is ridiculous by current standards, but I’ve definitely seen a lot worse from the 50s and 60s. Some of the other dinosaurs are clearly guys in rubber suits stomping around, so it’s not all good.

This is really, really bad. The plot is really childish, the acting is terrible, and the dialog tries to be primitive, but just sounds dumb. The twist at the end isn’t really a huge surprise and is still mostly irrelevant to the story.

Kevin’s commentary

Roger Corman put together a lot of entertaining work, and Robert Vaughn certainly did some very good acting in his career. This wasn’t that for either of them.

It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and I was at least interested, not bored. And those are about the only pluses I can give it. I’d recommend you stay clear of it and watch something else.

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