You ask if they brushed their teeth. They look right at you and say yes — and the toothbrush is bone dry, exactly where it was this morning. What gets us in that moment isn't only the untruth. It's how small the thing was, and the quieter worry underneath: if this is how it goes with a toothbrush, what happens when it's something that matters?

Child psychologist Dr. Kirsten Kuzirian walks through what is happening in a child's brain when a lie shows up — and why most lying, even the frequent kind, is a story about development rather than character. By the close, you'll have a way to tell two very different kinds of lying apart, and a handful of deposits you can make into your child's Trust Fund in the moment, when the lie is sitting right there between you.

In this episode:

  • Why a first lie is a developmental milestone — the theory-of-mind leap that arrives around age three or four
  • Tall tales, imaginary companions, and the "real story or wish story?" question that protects both the imagination and the friendships
  • Why telling a lie takes more from the brain than telling the truth — and why the see-through lie is a young brake still growing in, not a warning sign
  • ADHD, the same brake on a slower clock — and the memory research that means "I did do my homework" may not be a lie at all
  • Guilt versus shame, the anxious child's escape hatch, and why our steadiness matters more than any lecture
  • What the punishment research shows — and the one line to keep for the hard moments: you cannot ask for the truth and punish it in the same breath
  • When frequent lying is worth bringing to a professional who can look closely alongside you


Mentioned in this episode:

  • Trust Fund Field Guide (free download) — wideawakeparenting.com/freebies
  • The AWAKE Method course — wideawakeparenting.com/links


If you or someone you love is in crisis, please reach out to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline — call or text 988.

Research & Sources:

  1. Wimmer, H., & Perner, J. (1983). Beliefs about beliefs: Representation and constraining function of wrong beliefs in young children's understanding of deception. Cognition, 13(1), 103–128. https://doi.org/10.1016/0010-0277(83)90004-5
  2. Woolley, J. D., & Ghossainy, M. E. (2013). Revisiting the fantasy–reality distinction: Children as naïve skeptics. Child Development, 84(5), 1496–1510. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12081
  3. Taylor, M., Carlson, S. M., Maring, B. L., Gerow, L., & Charley, C. M. (2004). The characteristics and correlates of fantasy in school-age children: Imaginary companions, impersonation, and social understanding. Developmental Psychology, 40(6), 1173–1187. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.40.6.1173
  4. Christ, S. E., Van Essen, D. C., Watson, J. M., Brubaker, L. E., & McDermott, K. B. (2009). The contributions of prefrontal cortex and executive control to deception: Evidence from activation likelihood estimate meta-analyses. Cerebral Cortex, 19(7), 1557–1566. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhn189
  5. Sai, L., Shang, S., Tay, C., Liu, X., Sheng, T., Fu, G., Ding, X. P., & Lee, K. (2021). Theory of mind, executive function, and lying in children: A meta-analysis. Developmental Science, 24(5), e13096. https://doi.org/10.1111/desc.13096
  6. Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2002). Development of lying to conceal a transgression: Children's control of expressive behaviour during verbal deception. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 26(5), 436–444. https://doi.org/10.1080/01650250143000373
  7. Barkley, R. A. (1997). Behavioral inhibition, sustained attention, and executive functions: Constructing a unifying theory of ADHD. Psychological Bulletin, 121(1), 65–94. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.121.1.65
  8. Shaw, P., Eckstrand, K., Sharp, W., Blumenthal, J., Lerch, J. P., Greenstein, D., Clasen, L., Evans, A., Giedd, J., & Rapoport, J. L. (2007). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is characterized by a delay in cortical maturation. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 104(49), 19649–19654. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.0707741104
  9. Martin, P., Speranza, M., & Colombel, F. (2025). Susceptibility of ADHD children to memory error production on a DRM task. British Journal of Developmental Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjdp.70031
  10. Tangney, J. P., Wagner, P. E., Hill-Barlow, D., Marschall, D. E., & Gramzow, R. (1996). Relation of shame and guilt to constructive versus destructive responses to anger across the lifespan. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(4), 797–809. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.4.797
  11. Talwar, V., Arruda, C., & Yachison, S. (2015). The effects of punishment and appeals for honesty on children's truth-telling behavior. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 130, 209–217. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2014.09.011
  12. Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2011). A punitive environment fosters children's dishonesty: A natural experiment. Child Development, 82(6), 1751–1758. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2011.01663.x
  13. Gianino, A., & Tronick, E. Z. (1988). The mutual regulation model: The infant's self and interactive regulation and coping and defensive capacities. In T. M. Field, P. M. McCabe, & N. Schneiderman (Eds.), Stress and coping across development (pp. 47–68). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.


Wide Awake Parenting is educational content distributed by Wide Awake Media, LLC. It is not therapy, not assessment, and does not establish a therapeutic relationship.

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