263 - Two Hundred Sixty Three

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[TRANSCRIPT]

Breaker breaker. This is whiskey calling out for Passerine. I think-I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. I read your message out the other day. I don't know if you heard it. I recorded it and then set it to repeat, so hopefully you caught it. I just figured I didn't want to respond to your message and have you not hear it. So I hoped that in reading your message out loud, you would know that I was going to respond and stay tuned in. I don't know. I don't know how any of this works.

So anyway, hopefully you are listening and hopefully I said that name correctly, Passerine. I don't know that I'm familiar with that particular type of bird, but I like a theme. You're definitely right in that I have had a year. Sometimes if I think about it too much, it doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem like all of those things happened in a 12 month period, especially when compared to the previous six years. I didn't know life could be that full. Maybe full is the wrong word because obviously I was alone for pretty much all of it. But eventful. And different, right? Just different. That's what I wanted and that's what I got and..

I wanted to not feel so alone and...to your point- talking to you helped me with that feeling. So did Donnie of course. I think about him every single day. It was easier- it was easier to miss him. To miss Richie and Pete and Sylvie and Francis and Martha and everyone else...it was easy to miss them when I thought there was nothing I could do, when I thought that the whole world had just gone mad and any help I could have provided, was way too late.

So it hurts worse now. The fact that he's gone. Because I was in a position to help him, to protect him. And I...I failed.

[static]

And you're right, Passerine. Some days I do want to run away?. And wrap myself in that darkness. And today is one of those days I... Harry said something, made some joke and...I don't know. It just set me off, you know? It was like for a second I could hear the echo of what Don would have said had he been there, because even though it wasn't perfect between all of us, we did, you know, we had a rhythm and and Harry would say something and then Richie would say something, and Don would come in with the punch line, or Harry and Richie would be arguing and Don would mediate and-- or lean over to me and make a joke, just the two of us. And this was one of those moments where there should have been another beat, right? I said something. Harry said something, and then...

And he wasn't there. He just - he just wasn't there. I still heard his voice. Still imagined what he would have said.

It's not like that's the first time that's happened, right, in the last seven years. Like, Harry and I have had plenty of times where we feel the specter of the people that we lost around us. But it's worse now.

[static]

Sorry, I didn't mean to make a response to your message about this. I just, I wanted to follow your advice. You know, in feeling that feeling of wanting to run into the darkness, turning here instead to talk to you. I wanted to. I wanted to do that.

[static]

And I'm glad I could be a reminder for you. I don't know why you feel lonely or if you are literally alone. You didn't tell me much about you, but I'm glad if I eased some of that feeling a little bit. It's weird to think about. It's strange to think about being a part of people's lives when I don't know those people, you know? I mean, that's part of life no matter what, right? he person behind you in line gives you that last quarter that you need to buy coffee and they make your day okay. And you think about them and remember their face and they don't really think about you, right? They did a nice thing and it didn't really cost them much, but it made an impact on you.

Things like that happen all the time, happen every day in a place like New York City, where most of the people you're interacting with on any given day are complete strangers that you'll probably never see again. So it's not like I haven't always been a supporting character in people's stories and vice versa. But well, you know, there's the whole being a part of people's lives when those people's lives are occurring in different timelines thing which is still hard to wrap my mind around, but I can't think about too long or my head because I'll wobbly.

But, even beyond that, I don't- I don't know what your face looks like. I don't even know your real name. And granted, you don't know my real name, not my full name. But you know my voice. You know things about my life, about my mind, about my heart. And the most wild thing is that all of that means something to you. It means something to you that I have feelings and that I've shared what's happened to me and that I continue to share what's happening to me now and that...

Sometimes I think, why does anyone care? But then I think, gosh, I mean, if I had someone to listen to on the radio who knew things that I didn't and had lived life that I hadn't lived, I'd wanna listen to them too, just for some entertainment. At this point, I'm pretty sure I know everything about Harry that I ever will know.

Well, that's not true. But, you know, seven years of someone...You kinda hear all their stories at least once. Anyway. I feel like I'm repeating my stories and my thoughts. But, it still just blows me away. That people care. That people think I'm brave.

You're right. The true loneliness is being unknown. And I hope you do break out of that. I really do, because. It is such a cage, isn't it? To feel like no one knows you. And sometimes I wonder with Harry if I'm opening that door and walking into that cage myself over and over again. Because she knows me. Of course she knows me. But even now, even now that she knows the truth of my feelings, sometimes I get afraid of her seeing me. Of her knowing me in my heart of hearts. And I want to hide. I want to run away and...who does that serve?

So this is my promise to you, Passerine. I will keep calling out. I will not run into the darkness. And I will try to let myself be known. I hope the same for you.

Whiskey out.