What Haunts You?

Greetings Friends!

In these last few weeks I have been reflecting a lot on the story of Matchig Labdron and the roots of a practice known as Chod, a practice that works directly with fear through generosity. I want to share some of these reflections about fear, generosity and the awakened feminine.

I also want to share that Jogen and I are facilitating our next session of Sky+Rose on Sunday Dec. 1. Sky+Rose is an emergent practice community blending soul + spirit work. More information is at the bottom of this post.

What Haunts You?

What are you so afraid of? Ask this question and perhaps a lot comes up, given our political climate right now, there is, perhaps, a lot to fear.

Yet, what is fear?

Fear has an elusive quality. Because we don’t want to feel it— it quickly morphs into some other feeling, emotion or behavior. Fear's presence turns into internet scrolling, online shopping, a bag of chips, worry, etc.

In this way other emotions layer on top of our fears. And fear remains hidden, we start to fear it.

Facing Fear

In dharma practice, we are invited to turn towards fear. Which often starts as turning towards our fear of fear.

The dharma teachings remind us that all experience is ungraspable, interdependent, changing. When we actually try to stake out any experience, it starts to transform into something else. 

Our minds have trouble with this teaching. It is difficult to comprehend the instability of a single moment of experience. The radical empty-yet-apparent nature of feelings, sensations and emotions.

When we give our attention to the direct experience of fear, fear is allowed to transform—our relationship to it changes.

The Awakened Feminine

The 11th Century Tibetan Teacher and Yogini Matchig Labdron explores the relationship between fear and generosity in the practice of Chod. A practice that is rooted in the insight of the Prajna Paramita Sutras and expressed through the forms of a indigenous Tibetan healing ritual.

Matchig was born with the Tibetan seed syllable AH, on her third eye—which is considered the mark of a dakini. As a young child she memorized the Prajna Paramita sutras, and was invited to recite them in gatherings throughout her village. At some point she met her teacher, who helped her awaken to the insight contained within the Prajna Paramita Sutras, the insight into emptiness and interconnection.

The Prajna Paramita Sutras emerged during what is called the Second Turning of the Wheel of Dharma. A revolution within the Buddhist community that overturned monastic authority. This revolution is known as Mahayana Buddhism and with it came the understanding that all beings are inherently buddha—one did not need to become a monastic, nor did one’s gender determine one’s capacity for awakening.

Prajna Paramita in her embodied form is the Mother of all Buddhas, Great Mother Spaciousness, Wisdom beyond Wisdom—she came to symbolize emptiness as pure potential energy—pregnant darkness—the wisdom that is beyond intellectual understanding.

Around the time that Prajna Paramita emerged in Buddhism, the gnostic tradition was arising in Christianity, and with it, the image of the Divine Sophia—the feminine expression of God.

The emergence of these feminine embodiments of the divine came with a set of teachings in both traditions that focused on the immanence of god/awakened nature. That right here where we stand, we are on sacred ground— this is the land of awakening. This very body, our very life— the body of buddha, the body of divine nature.

These teachings also pointed to knowledge beyond the intellect. For gnosis or knowing itself need not be mediated by rational thought, a religious authority figure or dualistic mind play. 

Our awakened nature is immediate, here, all-inclusive and all-encompassing. We can know this for ourselves.

The Places that Scare You

When Matchig was taking leave of her teacher she asked: How can I benefit all beings? 

Her teacher replied with a set of pith instructions or slogans, which became Matchig’s path and practice. They are:

Confess all your hidden faults 

Approach that which you find repulsive 

Whoever you think you can not help, help them 

Anything you are attached to, let go of it 

Go to the places that scare you, like cemeteries 

Sentient beings are limitless, like the sky

Be aware! Find the Buddha inside yourself!

Here are a set of instructions for turning towards our fears, with curiosity—a generosity of heart.

When fear arises our normal reaction is to push it away, to get small, hide, distract, isolate…

What happens when we turn towards fear, when we invite fear from a place of mindfulness, clarity and compassion?

The Prajna Paramita sutras remind us that fear is elusive, that if we look for it, we won’t be able to grab a hold of it, that it is empty of an independent nature.

Often, we are afraid of fear. So we avoid doing things, going places, talking to people and letting go of unhelpful attachments. We really don’t want to feel the sensations of fear.

Generosity and Fear

Matchig discovered the practice that became the roots of Chod, when she had an extraordinary experience while meditating during an empowerment ceremony. Suddenly she found herself in a tree, in deep meditation being harassed by a Naga protector of the lake under the tree where she sat. Fear arose in her, but instead of giving into the fear—she offered the Naga-spirit the only thing she had—her body. The Naga spirit was so impressed with her selfless generosity and dharma practice, that he transformed himself into her dharma protector.

While this story sounds grandiose or mythic in its telling. There are some very ordinary and practical teachings contained within it. 

This is actually something we can practice in meditation in relation to our own fears. We can summon a small fear or allow fear to arise in meditation. When it arises, instead of pushing it away, making ourselves small, distracting or fighting. We can practice meeting it with generosity. Offering our presence and our body (ie feeling the sensations of fear in our body as it arises). 

When we do this—when we feel the fear directly.

Something is allowed to shift.

I find that there is something about this kind of generosity, this kind of giving that confronts, even indirectly, our core fears. For many of us fear rests in the body, as a fear of death & bodily harm, that gives us a pervasive feeling of not being safe or an existential anxiety. 

When we imagine giving at the level of our bodies, when we invite the feeling of fear from the place of generosity, when we meet fear with a willingness to feel and experience fear in our body—we open ourselves up to the insight of emptiness, all inclusive awareness, interdependence.

Our bodies are not our own, all is borrowed, all is shared.

Fear arises from separation.

Generosity is a practice of connection.

The one who gives, the one who receives, the gift itself—are all one, one complete life.

To practice generosity we open to the gift of this life, fear and all. And in this gift, fear transforms into the energy of life itself. Our bodies do have the capacity to feel fear, and when we do this— fear no longer has power over us.

We learn on an embodied level that we don’t need to be afraid of feeling fear.

…

Thanks for reading friends! This dharma talk was given during Monday Night Meditation. You can find out more below.

I’m Amy Kisei. I am a Zen Buddhist Teacher, Spiritual Counselor, budding Astrologer and Artist. I currently live in Columbus, Ohio with my partner Patrick Kennyo Dunn, we facilitate an in-person meditation gathering every Wednesday from 7P - 8:30P at ILLIO in Clintonville through Mud Lotus Sangha. If you happen to be in Columbus, feel free to stop by. We have weekly meditation gatherings and monthly Saturday offerings as well.

Current Offerings

Monday Night Meditation + Dharma

Every Monday 6P PT / 9P ET

Join me on zoom for 40 minutes of meditation and a dharma talk. We are currently exploring a text called The Eight Realizations of Great Beings, which gives us an opportunity to practice inquiry and embodying love as we discover our Awakened Nature together.

This event is hosted by the Zen Community of Oregon. All are welcome to join. Drop in any time.

Zoom Link for Monday Night

Sky + Rose: The Ritual of Strange Flowers

Sunday Dec 1

10:30A PT - 12:30P PT / 1:30P ET - 3:30P ET

How do we know that anything is only one thing? 

Strange flowers bloom within and without.  What is not a flower?  What is not strange when held in a steady gaze? 

Each of us are strange flowers. How familiar are our own beauties?  What of the self could be revisioned ?

We will actuate our own blemished bodies as intimate beauty. We may take grotesque shapes and discover them differently.  We’ll look underneath and behind and move wierdly to enter new worlds. We will play in ways the authorities that haunt our minds may not give their seal of approval, releasing energy, shedding man and mind-made shackles.

Sample Schedule

Ritual of Unknowing

Seated Meditation (bring a strange flower to meditate on)

Somatic/Parts Work Explorations

Group Check-in

Closing

Please rsvp and we will send the zoom link + additional information to prepare for the session.

Spiritual Counseling — IFS informed, mindful somatic therapy

Astrology— I am starting to offer astrology readings. I have found astrology to be a helpful map for connecting to the more mythic unfolding of life. It can help us honor our gifts, navigate challenges, get perspective and connect with planetary allies. It can also offer guidance on the questions that arise in our lives and aid us in stepping more fully into our wholeness. I am currently offering the following types of readings

Natal Chart Readings

Astro Counseling Package

Transit Readings

Great Work of Your Life Reading

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