An apology is a starting point, a basic human relationship skill, and an essential component of healing. In this twice-monthly Rocking Relationships in Recovery webinar, host Jon Taylor, Utah Therapist (CSAT), discusses how and why to effectively apologize.
TAKEAWAYS:
[3:08] Executed well, an apology can be a powerful change for a person issuing the apology.
[4:06] John shares the first big fight he and his spouse had in their marriage.
[6:41] Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the first step, then asking ‘How can I help?’”
[12:25] If your apology is coupled with resentment, you’re not doing it right.
[15:30] Turn on your thinking brain and consider what you could do differently.
[18:30] Offer solutions to your partner that can correct the hurt.
[22:05] The danger of a forced apology.
[24:08] The non-apology apology is thinly veiled manipulation.
[27:27] How can I proceed when the people I’ve hurt refuse to talk to me?
[33:14] How does self-sabotage show up for both addicts and betrayed partners?
[37:40] Self activation and authentication can open us up to hurt as well as clarity.
[38:50] How can I react to my addict spouse if he refuses support?
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
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“If you’re going to use apology, you need to be ready to follow through. Otherwise you’re going to hollow out the word and make it the word that signals the start of a fight, not the start of repair.”
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“Apology, executed well, can be a powerful change for the person issuing the apology.”
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“I ended up listening and paying attention, and that’s the power of saying ‘I’m sorry’.”
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“Be careful not to hold your ‘I’m sorry’ hostage or make it conditional. If you’re doing that, then you are the problem.”
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“We’re misusing an apology when we expect it to be a quick fix.”
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“We never know where our person’s breaking point is and we can’t be the one to define that.”
