THE LENS
PSYCHOTHERAPY
A monthly newsletter exclusively for clients of Denis M. Kitchen, LMHC.
March 2025 Edition
Tool of the Month - The Serenity Prayer
I’m not aware of any skill more powerful to predict your happiness, than the ability to discern what is within and without your control. To run this tool, simply recite the prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Reinhold Niebuhr wrote in one sentence what Epictetus found worthy to expound upon over an entire manual for living.
I like to paraphrase this prayer in my own words, too:
Anything out of my control is none of my fucking business. It’s my job to play the cards I’m holding. If I lose, I plan to recover, start over, and keep playing.
Try re-writing the Serenity Prayer yourself to make it your own.
You don’t have to arrive at the right answer when you pray for serenity or ponder Epictetus. Getting the right answer is also outside your control. Instead, err on the side of Acceptance until it becomes clear that you do indeed hold cards worth your Courage to play. As for generating courage, your most potent tools will be Reversal of Desire, Cosmic Rage, and Inner Authority.
You don’t need faith that you will succeed. You do need a commitment to recover from failure. Make peace with the flawed parts of yourself who are prone to fail. These are also the parts of you who are most willing to take the first step. Where’s the gratitude for that?
Testify!
This edition of Testify! is contributed by a coach at a prestigious high school known for winning championships. In the process of learning what he could and could not control, Coach discovered a shadow who met him before every game to engage in a ritual that proved they could show up for each other 100% of the time. At the height of Coach’s frustration with misconduct from the team, attacks on his career and reputation, and constant criticism from “the crowd”, Coach faced a pivotal decision. Should he or should he not continue to coach? At first, he thought he would balance this decision on the outcome of the next game. “If we win, I’ll coach another year”. But winning was not something he could control. Instead he made a decision to commit to showing up for the shadow; something he always controlled. Rather than demand of the shadow, “I’ll stick with you if we win.” He asked, ”Win or lose… what’s next for you and me?” The answer came back, “We coach another year. We do this our way.”
That same season they won the championship.
Because Coach made his commitment before the outcome, his shadow won’t wonder if his devotion depends solely on getting wins.
Now in the thick of that promised next year, coach still feels the pain, uncertainty, and ceaseless effort of moving forward through a challenging season. One thing is not uncertain. Will he show up for his shadow?
Coaching has been my identity for more than half my life. The sport I'm involved in has been in my life for practically all of it. How I felt about myself has often been dependent on whether we won or lost. It's not something I've ever been proud of or really been able to shake. Working with my shadow has allowed me to identify the heart of this issue. The past season brought about issues I never dreamed of dealing with as a coach. Nightmares, I should say. The routines I established in therapy helped me not only to survive the onslaught, but come out of it a better me. I found a Shadow in me that needed and deserved love and protection. I focused on giving my Shadow what it needed...win or lose. The fact that we won was nice, but I learned that the most important thing was that I acknowledged my Shadow and showed him gratitude no matter the result.
Parade of Shadows
In the last two issues, I shared some details about my own personal shadows. This month I want to ask you a couple questions designed to help you find your own shadow. These questions are from a survey called, The Me I Cannot See.
What kind of person do I find most challenging to be around?
Don’t answer the next question until you answer this first one. Find examples of such people. And “to be around” could also include reading their posts on social media, or encountering them in the news headlines, or on TV.
Once you have a specific person or type of person in mind. Ask yourself the next follow up question…
What qualities in such a person do I dislike about myself?
Can you find a moment in your childhood, or even last Tuesday where you exhibited that same dislikable quality? If so… get excited. You have just found a powerful ally.
Now try this one…
What group do I find the most annoying, revolting, or threatening?
This one should be incredibly easy. If the news is to be trusted, you are revolted by fully half of the people in this country.
Now ask this follow up question…
In what way am I reacting to this group out of fear?
When you answer this question, you’ll discover a protector. A part of you designed to prevent you from catastrophe. Ask this part, again with curiosity, “What can I do to gain your trust?”. Depending on how that conversation goes, this protector shadow may reward you with a purposeful task, and perhaps even a good night’s sleep.
Anyone who perceives his shadow and the light simultaneously sees himself from both sides and thus gets in the middle.
C. G. Jung
May we all, one day, meet in the middle.
Thank you for indulging me.
Cheers!
-Denis
Art Credit: The Mother by Marjorie Kitchen
