416 Mastering Referrals. How to Ask Without Feeling Pushy

I have been in sales since 1988, with a slow, then fast migration of skills.  I started my own small one-man consultancy in 1988 in Brisbane to assist businesses wanting to create revenues with Japan.  I moved into commercial real estate in 1989, then into market entry in 1992, retail banking in 2003 and then selling soft skills training in 2010.

I began my personal study of sales around 1990.  The company didn’t provide any sales training, so I had to source it myself.  I attended Tom Hopkins two-day Sales Seminar in Brisbane and that considerably boosted my understanding.  The organisation I worked for in Japan brought in a sales trainer and I worked with him as his assistant for delivering sales training through N.E. Asia.  When I joined Dale Carnegie I undertook the sales training they had and that further refined my skills to the point where I was able to certify as a sales trainer.

If there is one area I see as a weakness in myself and for most people in sales it is asking for referrals.  Japan shouldn’t make any difference when it comes to asking for referrals so I don’t think there is an market specificity preventing us from doing it.

I had an uncomfortable experience when someone supplying me with personal services did a hard sell to me on referring him to other potential buyers.  I had bought from him a few times, so there was a relationship there, but I always felt a bit wary about him.  He is clearly focused on the money and fair enough, but I shouldn’t be feeling that.  So when he pushed me hard on getting new business from him I didn’t like it at all.  It felt dirty and unnecessary.  Why do I owe him anything and have to introduce my contacts to him to grow his business.  What had he ever done for me to grow my business - a big fat zero?  He presumed that because I was a client, he had the right to ask me for referrals, but I didn’t feel he had won that right at all.

So where is the line where we can comfortably ask the buyer for introductions to other people to get new business?  I think the personal relationship is important, but they don’t have to be your bosom buddy in order to ask.  Of course, if that is the case then it is easier.

Firstly, we have to have built the trust with the buyer by delivering value for them.  I try to make the buyers my friends, but that doesn’t happen in every case.  The buyer becoming a friend shouldn’t be part of the qualifying process to be to ask for a referral.  As long as we have delivered value we have a starting point.

The way of asking is critical.  The person I referred to, asked me in an extremely aggressive way and I didn’t like that at all.  One of my failings is if people become aggressive with me, I instantly respond in kind.  As I get older though, I am getting better at dealing with this flaw and when he was aggressive with me I didn’t say anything, so that is progress.

The takeaway for me was never ask for a referral in an aggressive to too assertive fashion. Keep in mind the buyer doesn’t owe us anything.  We need to remind them of the value we have provided. With this platform we can ask for their help.  We should never ask a very broad request such as , “Do you know anyone who would benefit from our training?”.  We have just opened the floor gates for them and they have so many possibilities they can’t fix on any that are helpful. It is like those consumer experiments where counterintuitively they have found reducing the number of choices on the shelves helps to move more product.

We need to zero in on some choices for them to make from a limited number of people.  We can say, “You have mentioned to me that you felt you received value from the training we provided.  I wonder amongst your circle of family, friends, colleagues or business contacts, you can think of someone who would equally get value?”. We have reduced the entire Universe of people down to four buckets.  We want them to be able to see the faces ion their minds eye so that the process is controllable.  If they are struggling then we zero in on one of the buckets to see if we can spark some recognition of who might benefit. 

If they have someone on mind, we have to make the follow-up super easy and a light touch for them.  If we ask them to call that person for us, while we feel this is perfect,  they will feel that is too much.  After all, they don’t work for us.  However, if we say, “would you mind if I mentioned that we did some training with you and you thought they might also benefit from the same training?”.  That is a light touch and easy for them to agree to.  We might also ask them for the contact details of the person they have in mind and again that is an easy ask.

We can copy them in on the email if we send an email and then that tells the person we are contacting that we have permission to make contact. If we do it by phone then we need to drop the name of the person who gave us the referral to add trust to the basis of the call. 

My parents thought the flow of Philip Gregory Story was better than Gregory Philip Story, so they made that choice as my official name order and had always called me Greg.  I have had the experience of people calling me up saying, “Hi Phil, XZY suggested I give you a call”.  I instantly know they are lying to me and cannot be trusted.

Most people won’t have that handy device available, so we have to assure the person that the referrer did genuinely make that suggestion. In my case, I would say, “Tony Smith was in my High Impact Presentations class last Thursday and Friday and he really made some great progress in just the two days of that programme. It was clear to both Tony and me how much he gained from the training. I asked him if there were others he thought might equally get value for the course and he gave me your name, hence the reason for my call”. By being so specific it is easier for the person I am trying to sell to, to know this is genuine.

If we deliver value for the buyer, then we should make that extra effort to see if there are others we can help, who they know.  Not everyone will want to do that, but even so, if we ask in a gentle way, we won’t create doubt and destroy the relationship. The worst thing we can do is to continue not asking.  There are simple ways to do this and we should start doing them – including me!!!