Anxious and Avoidant in Relationship: The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

We all have different needs for closeness and distance, for intimacy and independence. You might have heard terms like anxious or avoidant attachment to describe this, and these tendencies can create challenges - particularly when people with different needs try to relate to each other. In this episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest explore why we're drawn to people who activate our insecurities, how anxiety manifests differently in "pursuers" versus "distancers," and what we can all do to work with our natural tendencies more skillfully. They discuss common relationship patterns, why pursuers usually receive more blame than distancers, schizoid personalities, and practical ways to break free from entrenched patterns.

Rick’s Yearly Program: Rick’s Foundations of Well-Being 2.0 is a year-long, science-backed journey through developing 12 key inner strengths like mindfulness, motivation, and confidence. It’s currently on sale, and if you like Being Well we think you’ll love it. Follow the link here and use coupon code beingwell20 for an additional 20% off: RickHanson.com/FWB

You can watch this episode on YouTube.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

2:00: Key characteristics of pursuers and distancers

9:25: Demands and reassurance

13:35: Assigning blame, and gender stereotypes

20:40: Why opposites attract, the power of small wins, and changing ourselves

31:15: The distancer

40:45: Finding motivation to identify common ground with our partner

54:30: The pursuer

1:00:00: Self-consciousness and ego

1:02:10: Brave questions to ask in your relationship

1:07:00: Recap

I am now writing on Substack, check out my work there. 

Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link.

Sponsors

Use promo code hanson at the link below to get an exclusive 60% off an annual plan at incogni.com/hanson.

Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell. 

Get 15% off OneSkin with the code BEINGWELL at https://www.oneskin.co/ #oneskinpod 

Join over a million people using BetterHelp, the world’s largest online counseling platform. Visit betterhelp.com/beingwell for 10% off your first month!

Transform your health with the ZOE Science & Nutrition podcast. Find it wherever you listen to podcasts.

Connect with the show:

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices