I am a stay at home mom to a 3 1/2 year old girl. I have a wonderfully supportive husband and a daughter that is smart, loving and very challenging to me.
I'm writing to you after having a fit of rage where I find myself saying 'I don't want to be a mother anymore.' Even typing these words I start to feel immense sadness and cry because I know my best self doesn't believe that. I've had these fits more often over the past couple months and they almost seem to get worse. They happen after being with my daughter when she is repeatedly disobeying my wishes to stop climbing on furniture, yelling or hitting. I become overly frustrated and angry and will throw or kick something so hard that it breaks. There have been times when I feel like hitting my child but do not, instead I grab and or forcibly pick up my daughter in a way that is scary to her and is also scary to me. I don't know how else to explain it other than describing these fits as demonic possession. There have been many times I've been able to see myself getting frustrated and I take a deep breath or go for a walk. After I overcome one of these potential fits I believe I've solved the problem and I say to myself, 'that was hard but also kinda easy', only to be caught off guard by this anger again.
I was raised by a mother who physically and verbally abused me and I don't want to turn into her. I would like to know better ways on how to manage and eventually stop myself from going to a place of rage when situations get difficult. My ACE score is a 4 which seems low but the lasting effects of the abuse have been difficult to overcome. I realize a huge component of this is confronting my mother...for which I am terrified to do so.
I am so ashamed to admit to this behavior because I have listened to your show quite often over the past 4 years, especially to the shows where you cover parenting (which is the root of most of the world's problems). I have found your advice to be very profound and helpful to me over the years. I hear you speak of your daughter and your relationship with her and, quite frankly, I would love a relationship like that with my daughter.
I have gone through some therapy which has helped illuminate some of the inner workings of my subconscious and shadow. I still talk to a therapist once every 6 mo. (which I realize is pathetically seldom) and read up on respectful parenting but have a hard time committing to the hard work (which sounds like another problem). I would extremely appreciate a conversation or any advice you may have for me.
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